Perhaps that’s why we see so much vitriol online, so many anonymous, bitter comments, so many imprudent tweets and messy posts. Because creating them is less cathartic, you feel the need to do it more often. When your emotions never quite cool, they keep coming out in other ways.
Actually, I think the real reason we see so much vitriol online is two-fold: 1) Anger is the easiest emotion to access, and 2) Its sudden appearance in a convo very often succeeds in sending all but the equally (or competitively) angry heading for the hills.
Uncontrolled anger is not only easy to come by, it is cheap, flimsy and rarely constructive. What a difference between a blast of hot air from a vexed reader, seemingly unwilling to dig deep into their own unexplored reserves of self-expression for bon mots more powerful than, “You are a pompous pea-brain,” or, “You are a bloated baboon,” (although at this moment both have their appeal and I can think of many persons to whom each applies…), and a reader who has the presence of mind, skill and patience to float out the elegant, simple and effective, “This angers me.”
In the world of the Thee-Ah-Tah, doncha know, actors are taught to mine their anger first, to get it out of the way, all the better to peel away the truly complex layers of the emotional onion, revealing ever richer sensibilities and feelings – skepticism, doubt, dismay, revulsion, sorrow, consternation, woe, regret, fear, depression, annoyance, shame, bewilderment, ambivalence, passivity, ennui, shock, fury, terror, torment, cynicism, dejection, misery, to name but a few possible emotions hidden by the all powerful and lofty ‘anger’ mode.
True enough, one might in the end venture back into the territory of outright rage having thoroughly explored all of the above, but it will be a colorful rage, a well-expressed rage, a nuanced rage, a well-thought out and examined rage, rather than a slipshod, hasty and fast food variety of anger better suited to the school yard than the round table.
But here we come to the real truth behind so much vitriol online and, dare I say, in real life – filtering through one’s anger to the meat of the matter turned out onto a plate of well-chosen words that continues, rather than stops, the conversation takes time and effort, something that anger slingers, well, don’t make time for or spend any effort at.
Bullies are boring.
Hit and run drivers are cowards.
Fast food gives an immediate sugar rush, then hunger sets in.
I remember a fellow joining one of my threads within the first few months of G+. He waxed on about how his hopes for G+ were that the medium would allow people to be truly “honest” with one another, you know, no holds barred, like the Thrilla in Manila fight between Ali and Frazier, the sort of verbal boxing match that leaves people bloodied, toothless and humiliated in front of millions of public posters, the sort of aggressive repartee in which someone wins and someone loses. I remember telling him to knock himself out (no pun intended) if he couldn’t figure out a better way to communicate. Never heard from him again.
Do I wish Truman had leveled Joseph McCarthy publicly? Yes. McCarthy was a blight on our country and he gleefully destroyed the lives of many, many people. But leveling anger at someone in a position of authority with the power to cause harm is decidedly different than being an angry blunderhead online.
Perhaps I feel this way because there are so few Mark Twains and Christopher Hitchens anymore, those extraordinarily well educated and articulate persons who were unparalleled in their ability to whip up a well-worded froth.
In their absence, I’ll settle for some online civility, which has all the signs of becoming a Lost Art itself.
March 23, 2014 at 3:29 pm
Civility is not the absence of anger. It remains unresolved. In times gone by it was projected onto those considered lower.
As Europeans became more civil, colonialism and its excesses was at its worst.
The shadow hidden continues tyranny just out of sight.
I would settle for real change.
March 23, 2014 at 3:35 pm
Thabo Mophiring I don’t call “denial” “civility.” The two don’t have anything in common in my view. Perhaps you think of civility as tyranny? I think of it as manners. True manners. Which equals consideration for others. But that’s just me. Yes, we use and interpret words differently.
March 23, 2014 at 3:49 pm
I try to not let anything bother me, except injustice.
March 23, 2014 at 3:51 pm
An intelligent discussion takes a lot more brain power than a quick insult. And it’s much more rewarding. That’s why I block the people with nasty comments. I don’t think you can reform them.
March 23, 2014 at 3:56 pm
I don’t think you can either Paula Jones. I do the same, although I have not had to very often as the months go by. Someone once asked me (online) why I would ever block someone because they behaved horribly on a post and, in addition to mentioning that it can be very difficult to get a reclaim a post that has been hijacked by rage and insults, I said that IRL I would never allow such behavior in my house…so, therefore, why would I allow it on one of my threads? I do consider this a sort of hostessing job, Paula Jones, one that I am proud to do when I have the time. I think it’s completely dishonorable to my other “guests” to allow someone to shoot arrows at them. I’ll allow that this is my definition of etiquette…and that others might not agree.
March 23, 2014 at 3:57 pm
Well I’m awfully glad to hear that Jack C Crawford. Although I do have to say that I think there would be far less vitriol online if it were not so easily dismissed. 😉
March 23, 2014 at 4:30 pm
There are many circumstances under which civility is not considered a virtue. (Just ask Neville Chamberlain.) I think that what we’re seeing is an expansion of those circumstances because we have moved (and society moves in and out of this) into a place where people want to see their positions as self-evidently good, just and right. Therefore disagreement moves from being a debate over means to a conflict over ends. And if my ends are on the side of Truth, Justice and the American Way – your disagreement with me must mean that you either irrational, gullible or deliberately Evil – all positions that, it is commonly felt, justify opprobrium.
(Note that I am not, at this point, dealing with intentional trolling of others as means of expressing power over them, limiting my comments to sincere incivility.)
Many people do not make a distinction between what works for them and what is best for the society as a whole. To paraphrase Charles Wilson: “for years I thought what was good for the country was good for me and vice versa.” That conflation of public and private interest means that people can take differences over public policy personally and differences over private policy as an attack on the public. Both can contribute to incivility.
March 23, 2014 at 4:50 pm
Aaron McLin to me the word “civil” implies the greater good. To me there is nothing fake, false, self-serving, narcissistic or self-directed about being civil. Quite the opposite. It is one of those words that is often misunderstood. It means politeness in courtesy and speech. “Polite” is a bad word in our culture because very often it implies an unspoken underhanded hidden agenda. Thus also the difference between being ‘nice’ (which in my view is a social construct) and being ‘kind.” Kind is harder to come by and more important than nice. Interestingly ‘nice’ girls are often mean.
However, I have never met a man or woman who I would call ‘courteous’ by my definition of the word, who is self-serving.
If, somehow, my advocation of civil discourse online is being interpreted as a proclivity for dishonesty or disingenuousness, I can’t find it in my own text! But do feel free to point it out to me!
This all goes to underscore and highlight in point of fact the reality that it takes skill to be honest and courteous (civil) at the same time. Sort of like patting one’s head and rubbing one’s tummy. Still, that is what I advocate. I have never seen a screaming match amount to anything.
Float like a butterfly sting like a bee, anyone? I used to love to watch Ali box. I was mesmerized…
March 23, 2014 at 5:01 pm
Dan Pritchett who said “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function?” Your words remind me of that. Are children even taught that concept in school anymore? I (coincidentally along with Meg Tufano and Leland LeCuyer) went to a college (St. John’s) where we were required to address one another by our surnames – Ms. Minoli, Ms. Tufano, Mr. LeCuyer – rather than our first names, the theory being that if we adopt a formal tone of address then we are more likely to treat one another with respect and articulate more carefully our points of view. Remove the formality and when opinions clash, ‘civility’ often goes out the window. It is similar to not addressing one’s elders by their first names until invited to do so, which, of course, in this day and age seems old-fashioned and unnecessary. However, the opposite is the assumption that anything goes, that any kind of behavior is acceptable behavior.
I ought to have pointed out my own observation that I think it is far easier to be uncivilized online because one doesn’t have to look into the eyes of the person one is insulting, nor into the eyes of those witnessing the fracas…thus there is no shame or embarrassment at callous comments and thoughtless cruelties.
On the other hand, in the narcissistic arena of politics, when lights, camera and action cue the applause or boo meter, it can by heady stuff and those who clammer for the spotlight get all dolled up for the occasion. But I would not call that situation one in which there is much opportunity for looking into the eyes of “the enemy.” Rather it’s the adrenaline rush of smelling blood that spurs them on.
Anger is a tough enemy. Because it oftens pulls rank and gets a gun.
March 23, 2014 at 5:52 pm
The quote was F. Scott Fitzgerald. Speaking of intelligence, I wish I had/could have borrowed some math skills for the genetics final I just took. Someone please pass me a beer.
March 23, 2014 at 5:57 pm
Brava on your genetics final Jodi Kaplan. I have no doubt you did well…and I’ll toast you with a beer when I see you next! Of course it was Fitzgerald. Yikes
March 23, 2014 at 6:15 pm
CIVIL/BULLY the behaviours of domination systems
[ ] We have been trained to be nice dead people or bullies. When you are in a position of authority you are justified in being a bully. You don’t call yourself a bully – you call yourself an authority. In domination systems authorities are given legal power to bully through the system of deserve, in which punishment, rewards and other forms of coercion get you to do things.” Non Violent communication
[ ] Anger and Domination Systems|| Northwest Compassionate Communications | http://sco.lt/5kkzir
Shared from Google Keep
March 23, 2014 at 6:23 pm
True civility is the absence of social injustice and domination. All else is a mask – a presentation of the self.
I would call for non-violent communication which includes honesty with respect not courteousness.
the notion of courteousness under oppression is misguided.
The outpouring of anger in social media is but a symptom of a deeper problem. Civil discourse merely masks the boil courteosly.
Also important to note that demanding kindness, politeness, courteousness from the wounded is itself a form of domination.
March 23, 2014 at 6:30 pm
If you think there is such a thing as true courtesy that is oppressive Thabo Mophiring then I beg to differ. True courtesy is the absence of oppression. If you think that civil discourse masks the “boil” then it is not civil discourse as I know it, but an impostor of civil discourse and I am not talking about that here. If you think that I am demanding kindness, politeness or courtesy from the wounded, then you are reading into my post words and implications that simply are not there to be found, and it is a serious stretch, and perhaps a projection. To what end I am not sure.
March 23, 2014 at 6:40 pm
Jim Jackson thank you for that link and explanation. Very civilized of you and I mean that in the nicest way! Reading…
March 23, 2014 at 6:40 pm
When I was younger I would jump first and then look, now I take a look and check my insurance before considering a hop. The main difference is not so much wisdom – or a method – as that a fog that settles over me whenever I try to reason something out that involves my emotions. So whilst I don’t indulge in vitriol, I don’t often take it to heart when others do. After all perhaps they are still young enough to be willing to take on a mammoth. But I do think a little integrity helps. One of the things that dissuades me from getting into fights on the internet is the knowledge that my mother, lover, children, friends and co-workers – not to mention scout parents, all know where to find me. I find that thought helps cool me down a little.
March 23, 2014 at 7:03 pm
Jim Jackson I feel really uncomfortable with the idea that shame is a good thing, whilst agreeing with you whole-heartedly. Oh crikey here comes that fog again.
March 23, 2014 at 7:07 pm
Sarah Wooller I think that wisdom does have a great deal to do with it. I think many people think of wisdom as something that applies only to people (or more to people) as they get older, but I have known many, many young people who I would call wise. What is there is a kind of kindness and consciousness about the impact of their words and actions on other people. Is this something taught? Innate? I often feel there are those “blessed” with this ability and often feel the same about people I meet who seem to prefer a state of “vitriol.”
I would agree with Jim Jackson that it isn’t a bad thing that you are cooled down a little by an awareness that certain people know where to find you. But I wonder if this is a sense of shame or a profound sense of wanting to set a good example, to be a role model.
For some strange reason when I read your words I flashed back on an interview I read with Martha Graham so long ago. A quote from that interview: And I believe in discipline, I believe in a very definite technique. You have no right to go before a public without an adequate technique, just because you feel. Anything feels – a leaf feels, a storm feels – what right have you to do that? You have to have speech, and it’s a cultivated speech.
The link to the entire article, which is well worth reading for a host of reasons, is here:
http://partners.nytimes.com/library/arts/033185graham.html
March 23, 2014 at 7:22 pm
I know a couple of wise kids who come from a wise family. They are indeed blessed – and they know it. That’s worth a lot in my book.
I’m afraid I didn’t get on with your article: she jumps around a lot doesn’t she? But I do agree with the sentiment about technique – and I certainly believe in discipline.
March 23, 2014 at 7:34 pm
There’s something so lovely about that Jim Jackson. When, I wonder, did we turn our backs on shame? It is a moral rudder/compass of some deeply important kind, yet, it is something that no one wants to admit to having or feeling. Feeling shame implies wrong-doing (can’t admit that) or not being good at something (can’t admit that either), or failure of some kind (definitely can’t admit that). I read within all that has been written about the disappeared Malaysia flight that within the military the plane had been tracked but it had not been reported as “rogue” because of the “shame” implied in that airspace having been breeched. How odd. Shame, as you write about it is, is intended to prevent harm, not cause it…as I sense it.
Perhaps what I’m getting at is a psychologically internalized sense of shame. Whereas in the Buddhist sense right action in the first place would prevent that internalization from every happening.
Question: does “right-action” mean “civility” in the sense that I’m using it here? Is there another word/phrase???
March 23, 2014 at 8:07 pm
The English language is rich Jim Jackson, but it is often unable to express spiritual concepts, and I hesitate to use even the word spiritual, because that word has its own detractors. Perhaps because of my own training, the word “civil” to me encompasses these concepts. To someone else, if the word has been contaminated by someone’s wrong action (a corrupt civil servant, for example)…then its finer meaning is lost.
But I like the territory of Hiri and Ottappa, the bridge between the internal and the external. Yes. This is what “civility” means to me and that which I invoke when I wrote that were it employed online more often the conversation would deepen.
March 23, 2014 at 9:57 pm
Some would call a “choir” an unnecessary civil construct up to no good. Is it so? I don’t know….
March 24, 2014 at 3:11 am
Civility is knowing truth and doing something about it.
March 24, 2014 at 3:30 pm
I think that is a wise definition of civility, because it connotes a specific and constructive action psher grant.
March 24, 2014 at 6:58 pm
A sense that what I did was wrong is a useful tool – a working moral compass, but I associate shame with a different feeling, a feeling that I am bad and beyond redemption. That’s no good for anyone.
March 28, 2014 at 2:41 am
Though a few days late, my timing for seeing this is just perfect. There is a comment somewhere here on Google+ tonight that is just screaming, really screaming, for a response from me, Giselle Minoli. For me, my ‘Lincoln’s letter” is the shower, where I steam up to steam off, I guess. My mind tends to race there with potential lines of response to some aggressive move or apparent slight from some quarter.
Over my time here on Google+, I would honestly say that there have been some times when I’ve let fly and it was the right call. Most of the time, though, it was not. I’m not talking about standing up for what one believes in in the face of disagreement, but cases where the blood’s really boiling and you feel like Aries has taken up home in your blood.
So, though there are many potential angles of reply to that comment that’s just sitting out there tonight, it’s going into the “Never posted. Never plussed” pile.
March 28, 2014 at 11:21 am
Gideon Rosenblatt I get what you are talking about and have to confront it on a daily basis everywhere in life, not just here on G+. While it is easy to remember that we should ask ourselves at every moment – Do I want to say this? Do I want to write this? Is this going to move anything forward? – in practice we are human, aren’t we, and we make mistakes and are not perfect. I am not sure what the answer is entirely. There is a more elegant and a less elegant way to let of steam, as you say. But I do wonder what would become of communication if we all just zipped it up all of the time and never said anything.
My worry, particularly here on G+, but also in real life, is what happens when bullies enter the room (real or virtual). The bully voice is so loud that people do leave. And that’s the point of being a bully, isn’t it? But if the rest of us allow that to happen, what do you call that? It is very difficult to know what, exactly, to do in these circumstances. But…children have been bullied in school and no one speaks up for them. Employees get bullied by bosses and, Wow, isn’t that a tough spot to be in?
It’s one thing for Truman, or Lincoln, whose positions in life dictate that there should be from them some higher sense of communicative purpose going on, such that they are not controlled by every moment, every slight, every insult. But knowing which is a war worth fighting, that perhaps needs to be fought, and which is a battle that will resolve itself on its own is not always evident. That, and battle heaped upon battle has a way of becoming a war that could have been, might have been avoided had a few bon mots been applied at the right time.
Still…many thanks for your comment. I am happy to know one such as you grapples with it too!
March 28, 2014 at 1:29 pm
Not sure that bullies are always trying to get people to leave. Sometimes, perhaps often, I think they are being inept and callous rather than cruel.
One of my posts sparked some rancour recently between someone gentle who I felt was perhaps being a little complacent, and someone rude who I felt was right but being horrid about it.
Unsure what to do I left them to it. That tension between substance and tone is a tricky one and what looks like indifference may frequently be confusion instead.
March 28, 2014 at 2:29 pm
Sarah Wooller I personally have never encountered an indifferent or ambivalent bully…so I think you and I are using the word differently
March 28, 2014 at 4:18 pm
The question of tone vs substance reminds me of a story, Sarah Wooller. Back in school, I was lucky enough to take a class from the professor who literally wrote the book on economics that most everyone used at the time. One day, Professor Mansfield was covering some topic and a hand shoots up from one of the doctoral students sitting in the way back. In a very arrogant tone, he asks “are you saying that this means … x?”. Mansfield stopped and asked the guy “I take it you disagree?” The student stammered back…”well, uh, no, not really…”. And then Mansfield came back with this classic that I and my housemates (some of whom were in class w/ me) continue to repeat to this day:
“Sometimes, it’s not what you say, but how you say it, that matters.”
In fact, I find that that is very often the case here. People who are saying things that are not stupid, and with whom I do not disagree, but the tone they use is like chalk on a blackboard and it makes you want to let rip. That’s the kind of comment I was referring to above, actually.
March 28, 2014 at 5:53 pm
Gideon Rosenblatt I rather applaud you for that admission actually because I think it is a tough one to identify and acknowledge. I hope you won’t mind my free-associating about it a little, however, something I have recently discussed with Meg Tufano about voices, and tone (literally the sound of one’s voice). I read an interesting report a couple of months ago about how differently men and women hear things – something about men hearing things within a narrower range than women do. So that, quite literally, when women “complain” that men aren’t listening, it is very often more that they are responding to sound. I was of course fascinated because not long before in a flight review an examiner had suggested (politely) that I learn to talk “like a man” on the radio. I practically gulped, because, of course, I’m a woman and I can’t do that, won’t do that, don’t want to do that…you get my drift.
But it got me to thinking and wondering about what we are predisposed to hearing, to reading, to responding to, about which we might not even be conscious. How much we are shutting out (or down) because our personal “radio” isn’t in tune with that other person’s radio, do you know what I mean?
Musicians all walk around with tuning forks and if you have ever watched a group of musicians play together, the first thing they do is make sure they are “in tune” with one another so that…they all can hear accurately one another’s notes. And therefore respond to the music they are each making?
Wouldn’t it be interesting if humans had some sort of tuning fork that enabled us to tune into whatever frequency was being emitted on any given post…and we therefore would understand one another? Communicate better? Feel less slighted? More respected? Just thinking out loud on a Friday afternoon!
March 28, 2014 at 11:28 pm
Excellent riff, Giselle Minoli. Excellent. Last Friday, I joined in on a last-minute Hangout that Yifat Cohen was hosting with famous physicist Michio Kaku. Through the magic of Hangouts, I got to ask him a question and since he’s been thinking a lot about the future of the human mind, I chose to ask him whether he thought we’d ever reach a point where our minds could/would work as one. His answer was interesting and broader than I’ll go into here on this comment, but one of the elements was that we will likely one day be able to experience the emotions of one another as though they were our own – through the use of technology.
Now, there are all kinds of questions about how we’d know for sure whether what you experience me experiencing is really what I actually experience, but still, it’s a bit like the tuning fork your talking about; just another application of it, I suppose.
March 28, 2014 at 11:54 pm
Thabo Mophiring I admire this quote: “The shadow hidden continues tyranny just out of sight.”
Too true.
March 28, 2014 at 11:55 pm
Paula Jones Good choice Paula! Reforming people is absurd. (Please remind me of that insight at some later time. ;’))
March 29, 2014 at 12:00 am
Dan Pritchett Reminds me a line by Nietzsche (paraphrased (cannot find my book)), “I looked for good arguments, but found only praise.”
March 29, 2014 at 12:05 am
Thabo Mophiring I will check out your site and see if I can gmail you. I think you would like the chapter from Wink (“Engaging the Powers”) about Domination Systems (that I sent the poor unfortunate Gideon Rosenblatt who is probably buried under the books I have sent to him! (But at least THiS chapter I put in a PDF.) ) ;’)
March 29, 2014 at 12:08 am
Thabo Mophiring MY gmail is meg.tufano@gmail.com
You can send me your gmail and I will send you that chapter PDF’d. I think you will like it a great deal. Walter Wink has a way with ideas, he can make the most complex ones “seem” simple, as a good teacher should.
March 29, 2014 at 4:21 am
luckily Giselle Minoli, we can block the bullies on G+ and not have to deal with them.
Not so much so in real life… but we’ll get there 😉
March 29, 2014 at 5:07 pm
Yifat Cohen that’s true…but thankfully I can’t remember the last time I had to block anyone. It happened more often at the very beginning of G+ (can you believe it’s coming up on three years?), but rarely…hardly ever anymore. Looking back, it reinforces my belief that bullies rush out to try to scare someone into shutting up. I think it’s fairly obvious I’m to going to do that…so there is less of a tendency to show up on my posts! That’s a good thing!
March 29, 2014 at 5:11 pm
Gideon Rosenblatt do you think Michio Kaku can divine a human tuning fork for us? I am sorry I missed Yifat Cohen’s chat with him as I’m fascinated. I think that to a great extent we have an innate ability to “tune into” one another’s emotions but we have to a certain degree allowed technology to take us farther and farther away from what I could call (for want of perhaps more accurate phrases) our empathic, instinctual and intuitive sensibilities. Perhaps we don’t trust them or recognize them in their “natural” state…and should they come to us through technology we will be able to trust them more? I don’t know…but I’m in a contemplative mood. It’s Saturday. And it’s raining. Weather fit for contemplating!
March 30, 2014 at 12:56 am
I don’t know. Let’s ask him next hangout, Giselle Minoli. I’m with you though. We humans are pretty darned good at sensing what’s up with one another. And there’s something really important about looking into someone’s eyes. Call it whatever you want, but there’s clearly something inside there that you can absolutely feel.
March 30, 2014 at 12:57 pm
Ana Cristina Simões Vilar I am always delighted to hear from you. It’s okay. Congratulations on finishing your training…three months is not a long time and then you can focus on being a chef! I forgot who it was that told you that you couldn’t/wouldn’t ever do it…but boy were they wrong. Lovely to hear from you and congratulations!
April 2, 2014 at 8:53 pm
Thank you very much? Giselle ! Becoming a Chef is such a good idea! 🙂 i am also finishing correcting my students written exercises about Kant’s Ethic and Stuart Mill Ethics.
I am also reading some Paris Review interviews of a lot of women writers : it is very interesting when they are explaining the intimacy of their creative process!
Yes, you are right! Becoming a Chef is such an attractive idea!! ( and having a boyfriend, also…:)) ).
I am feeling so well , it is so good to have challenges!
We have so many interesting subjects to explore! Music, Art, literature, Theatre, Opera, Jazz, etc..and we are alive!! 🙂
April 2, 2014 at 9:11 pm
How great on every level Ana Cristina Simões Vilar. I would be very curious to know the women writers whose words have touched you in some way. Care to share? For what it’s worth to you my friend, I think cooking is very similar to writing. I think it is also similar to painting.
April 2, 2014 at 9:28 pm
Interesting ! Cooking similar to writing!!
Writing is abstract..I never thought about that!
I must be at 7h 30 at school tomorrow, Iust sleep. But tomorrow I’ll send you the name and the numbers of the interviews .
I choose to read mainly women. I read Louise Erdrich interview , for instance.
I wish you a good day!