Good Sunday afternoon, all of you Lovely and Loving Google Brains…
If you’re in a healthy relationship, holding your partner’s hand is enough to subdue your blood pressure, ease your response to stress, improve your health and soften physical pain. We alter one another’s physiology and neural functions. One can decide to be a more attentive and compassionate partner, mindful of the other’s motives, hurts and longings. Breaking old habits isn’t easy, since habits are deeply ingrained neural shortcuts, a way of slurring over details without having to dwell on them. Couples often choose to rewire their brains on purpose, sometimes with a therapist’s help, to ease conflicts and strengthen their at-one-ness.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading The Brain on Love, by Diane Ackerman, in this morning’s NY Times. I’m a sentimental, mushy-hearted, romantic softie. I’m a hand-holder, and I always have been and probably always will be. Oh yes, I’ve known people who live by the rule of no physical display of affection of any kind in public.
Excuse me, but those people sadly know nothing about the power of touch. Excuse me, but those people have never seen the sweet sight of an elderly couple who have been together for 60 years walking hand-in-hand through Central Park on a Spring Sunday morning, he with his hat and cane, she with her hand delicately laced through the crook in his elbow, taking in the glory of New York. Excuse me, but those people have never been to Italy, where each and every piazza is criss-crossed with couples – mothers and daughters, fathers and sons, sisters, friends and couples of every sort, manner and kind, hugging and embracing one another….and often holding hands as they take a walk after dinner.
Last night my husband and I had two of our favorite couples over for dinner, my husband and I sitting at the long ends of our rectangular dining table with each couple on the short ends between us. Each of these young couples has been together for a long time and it would be impossible to miss – and not be “touched by” – the considerable affection between them.
One couple – my incredibly talented ballroom dancing teachers – are from Hungary. They are charming, funny, energetic and fully animated…when they communicate they speak with their entire bodies. In one moment she would start to tell a story about “the way” Hungarians are as opposed to Americans and suddenly her husband would reach his hand out to touch the back of her neck. The other couple is half Italian (la bella donna from Florence) and half American. In one moment he would be telling a story about being in medical school, and his wife would gently reach out and stroke his arm, patting her pregnant belly at the same time.
None of these gestures were for display. None were statements for affect or to make a point. They were simply unadorned, innocent and spontaneous gestures of love, affection, caring, solidarity and comfort. This is why I like to fix dinner at home for friends. People are more relaxed and can be themselves.
And I have to say that I am completely selfish…I would happily spend all afternoon in the kitchen to create an environment in which people are comfortable enough to hold hands at my dinner table. What an honor it is to witness and be in the presence of that love. In a troubled world, I vote for holding hands as often as possible.
Here’s to holding hands…and to having a great Sunday, all.
Giselle
http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-brain-on-love/?hp
March 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm
How right you are Giselle.. I am lucky enough to live in Italy, where feelings, as u pointed out, are widely shown into the public areas without fear.As I am writing this, my lovely wife for fourteen years smiles at me, we are sitting in a very small bench in Pordenone, looking at the sunset
March 25, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Amen, Giselle Minoli. The reaching out to touch or hold the hand of your spouse is representative of how we are to reach out for them daily, not only physically but in all forms. I absolutely LOVE seeing older couples walking hand in hand – if there is one thing I would wish for my wife and I, it would be that.
March 25, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Then Daniel Bobke I openly declare that I wish for you and your wife that you have exactly that…and that you have exactly that every single day you are in each other’s presence. How lovely. And as for you pio dal cin I am so jealous I don’t know what to do or say…
March 25, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Thank you Giselle Minoli. I wish that for all. I think holding hands is so symbolic as well. It says “it’s you and me against the world, baby.”
March 25, 2012 at 5:16 pm
It’s one of those things you usually do without thinking about – you just exposed it as the great thing it is 🙂 Thanks!
March 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Giselle Minoli When I lived in “the world” (;’)), I loved giving that same kind of shelter and enjoyed the company of those couples who had that je ne sais quois of physical connection. Their touch ignites an energy that warms a room; it makes my risotto taste even better!
Now, with so many fewer guests to invite nearby, we hold hands while we watch TV. Anyone peeking in our window would think we had just starting dating! You are so right: touch is what keeps us connected to all that’s important, even while we’re doing the dishes!
March 25, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Thank you so much for this Giselle Minoli. The latter part of your final paragraph resonates with me on multiple levels. As to the concept of the linked article, from what I see in the comments on your stream from day to day, this is not news to many of your followers. Accurate and worth sharing none-the-less.
March 25, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Giselle Minoli Standing ovation…
I can only say this: there has been NO time when I’ve driven my car with my Love on my side, not a single one, without holding her hand with my right one (while driving with the other one)…
You can easily get what “the power of touch” means to me…assuming that I have written it correctly in English, of course! 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 6:06 pm
been a long time since i’ve been in love. bad luck with the wimmens… oh well :/
March 25, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Then Phill Hocking I vote for holding your own hand. Loving oneself is as important as being loved by another and we have all been there so we know your feeling. 😉
March 25, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Ahem…. Claudio Romagnoli I am wondering if I should just flat out exempt my Italian friends from commenting. Because you all got a head start on the rest of the world when it comes to hand holding and embracing in public. You Italians know stuff the rest of the world doesn’t. Penso che sia qualcosa nell’acqua….
March 25, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Giselle Minoli I have about as much self-love as one can have, kinda comes with that whole ‘solitary existence’ thing lol 🙂
but where Thoreau opined that he never has found a companion as companionable as solitude, I have had several… they just weren’t permanent haha.
Thoroughly enjoyed your post though, and not given up hope on having that type of partner. obviously you and some of my more seasoned compatriots have found it so i gotta just keep truckin! 🙂
edit to fix confusing kludge of a sentence
March 25, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Giselle Minoli That’s what people at San Pellegrino tell Americans in order to sell them a common water at high prices! 🙂
I think it’s something related to the Sun, instead…something you can notice also in Spain, for example, or in Brazil…
We’re more romantic though than Spanish or Brazilian people…and that’s because of our history… 😉
March 25, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Okay Okay Claudio Romagnoli. It’s NOT something in the water. C’è qualcosa nel vino. Can you really separate out the Italian history from food and wine? I don’t think so. A Tuscan night, a misty walk across the Ponte Vecchio…a stroll through Camp de’ Fiori…it’s always better after dinner. I think it was food and drink that allowed the Italians to survive being invaded and re-invaded, sacked and re-sacked over and over again through the centuries. That…and a lot of hand-holding and kissing!
March 25, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Giselle Minoli You got it! 😉
March 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Giselle Minoli always look forward to your musings, especially at the weekend and this one is spot on. We are emotional beings and need emotional input.
Anyone that subscribes to “no PDA in public” is fighting a losing battle. Thanks for eloquently stating the beautiful symmetry between touch, relationships and emotional well being.
March 25, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Claudio Romagnoli LOL! I watched one of the games at the World Cup at this divine little outside restaurant on Campo de’Fiori. We had the most wonderful time. The city could have been bombed and the Italians wouldn’t have cared…
March 25, 2012 at 7:02 pm
And a Shout Out to dawn ahukanna…spreading words of affection and touch across the Pond! Lovely to hear from you, as always! When oh when are we going to stop being ashamed of being emotional beings? When indeed!
March 25, 2012 at 7:18 pm
I’m actually in Santiago, Chile this week so south of your side of the pond. People and families are out walking around, yes holding hands. People sitting having coffee, drinks with heads bent close together talking and laughing. Even though I don’t speak Spanish, I can’t help smiling and absorbing this atmosphere. It makes my experience richer for all these nuances. Why would anyone “grinch” this?
March 25, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Ah, dawn ahukanna that sounds wonderful. Have a great, great, great time… No grinches allowed.
March 25, 2012 at 7:27 pm
u r absolutely right.
March 25, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Will unhappy marriage do the reverse?
March 25, 2012 at 7:36 pm
umm
March 25, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Home is our safe spot. No fights, no stress, no mean and angry upset attitudes. Mary helps me as much as she can to get along through each day and I help as much as I can. (I’ve been disabled for 7 years now) No shame or blame games and we enjoy our animal companions (three wonderful adopted cats) movies, computers, astronomy, science fiction, Seti at Home, photography, and Google+ together. We never leave home without saying, “I love you.” and I can testify to the calming, relaxing, and happy effect of her on me.
March 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm
Frank Elliott What a perfect testimony to the power of companionship, solidarity, shared interests, empathy, animal friends…and love. Good for you. “Home is our safe spot.” I like that.
March 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm
1. Cover your mouth with your hand
2. Whisper a wish Into Your Hand
3. Post this on ten Other Comments
4. Look at Your HandFollow These Steps
March 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm
i love good relationships
March 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Oh, My! I don’t know how to thank you all for your response to and support of this post! Clearly I’m in the glorious company of a bunch of unabashed believers in hand-holding! As they say, make love not war! Bless you all….
March 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm
in lay terms..sharing life’s journey with someone you love trust and respect…is a time tested way to ride out the inevitable storms..along the way..
March 25, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Hiya
Is this like face book
cause if it is
THAT ROCKZZ 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 8:57 pm
this is not like facebook
March 25, 2012 at 9:00 pm
Thanks , then the good relationship is very important for our brain and boudy
March 25, 2012 at 9:01 pm
I still remember the first time I held someone’s hands, and how she held mine back. Yup!!
But I was told that in Italy it’s not just the touch of hands (on hand) that bellassima’s need to watch out for, but also pinches on the butts!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm
I remember this, I read earlier today.
March 25, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Meg Tufano …my memories of good dinners and good conversation long into the night as an adult date back to my days at St. John’s College, when my boyfriend and I lived off campus (on Garcia Street) and we would have a dinner almost every Saturday night. I remember how much fun it was like it was yesterday. In these days, when it seems there is so much stress in so many people’s lives, I value them more than I can tell you. There is something about fixing dinner for friends that is irreplaceable in life. I wish I had a snapshot of you and your hubby holding hands watching TV. Such a sweet image and I can see it…
March 25, 2012 at 9:26 pm
fan tai that is a nice thing to remember…the first time you held a girl’s hands and she yours. I confess I have forgotten that first person in my life. 🙁 But as for bum-pinching in Italy…I think it’s more folklore than anything…although some would disagree with me and I’m sure sending me pix proving me wrong. Bum pinching can’t compare to hand holding as far as I’m concerned. 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 9:30 pm
Hi, Colin Lucas-Mudd Why do I think you’re the sort to sit around the breakfast, brunch or dinner table for hours chatting away? Why am I not surprised that hand-holding resonates with you? Ah, for the love of an old-fashioned sentimental Englishman. Wouldn’t be surprised to discover you like Hepburn and Tracy and Lombard and Gable and Astaire and Rogers and…heaven forbid! Doris Day! Che Sera Sera, whatever will be will be…
March 25, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Funny thing that Giselle Minoli. Change Doris Day for Debbie Reynolds (with Jean Hagen’s voice dubbed) and you have me nailed! Conversation is a gift. Intelligent conversation is a treasure. Intelligent conversation with loved ones, old friends, prospective old friends, and passing ships is what makes life. Good food and wine as a lubricant sustains the body, the conversation, and the soul.
March 25, 2012 at 9:58 pm
In my experience most people seem to define “intelligent conversation” as a conversation where everyone agrees with them. I am presently dodging an “intelligent conversation” wherein a bunch of people over 50 sit and agree that houses were better when there was only one bathroom for 8 people.
March 25, 2012 at 10:01 pm
Is this like face book
cause if it is
THAT ROCKZZ 🙂
^^made me irlol for the first time today :)this is now meme
March 25, 2012 at 10:04 pm
Ah, Singing in the Rain Colin Lucas-Mudd. It does not get better than that. I could watch it over and over and over again. And I have! Many times. But I still love Doris Day – My Dreams Are Getting Better All the Time was my parents’ favorite song toward the end of the War when they met. Makes sense, doesn’t it?
March 25, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Matthew Hatfield Ah, I must assume that you have youth on your side Matthew. Truly intelligent conversation flows over and around topics from which each participant learns, contributes, and, in the best conversations, both. If the participants agree it is simply talk. As we know, that’s cheap. Only through considering opposing views are we able to learn, practice, and develop the skill of rhetoric. Only with this skill can we be effective as we strive to create a better world.
March 25, 2012 at 10:17 pm
It does indeed Giselle Minoli. Singing in the Rain is seminal in the history of the movie industry. I once ‘forced’ my children to watch it. Now in their mid+ 30’s it is still a favorite of each. As to the ‘music’, my tastes are actually rather different when listening—Mahler, Wagner, Schumann. However, when blended with dance, with a story translated and communicated by a great screenplay and choreography, I see no difference between great musicals and opera.
March 25, 2012 at 10:19 pm
Colin Lucas-Mudd i’m more partial to “Rent” myself; maybe i’m showing my age 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Matthew Hatfield I’m not quite sure when the concern (this has nothing to do with you) about whether or people agree with one another crept into the public conversation about great conversation. It is a kind of modern paranoia that has to do with insecurity, I think. To my own memory this is a side effect of internet conversation. When people are chatting face-to-face body language is added to the mix, as is the tone and inflection in one’s voice. Someone might “disagree” with someone else, but the look in their eye, the tone in their voice, the upturn at the end of a sentence might render disagreeing not threatening at all. But in this social media world, unless one is skilled, and takes times with words, they can lay awfully, perilously, flat with nothing whatsoever to mitigate them…like an arm stroked or a hand held…so perhaps people “decorate” their language too much, which comes off as a tendency to agree all the time. I think it’s out of protection. That’s just my sense of it.
March 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm
Phill Hocking Thank you so much. It’s been a long and busy day. You gave me my first real laugh. Unlike the Cheshire Cat, the smile looks set to remain for a while. Perhaps I should point Matthew at my stream. No, on second thoughts, the culture shock may be too sudden.
March 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Come on Colin Lucas-Mudd Everyone needs a little Shock Therapy now and then. It’s good for us all…
March 25, 2012 at 10:40 pm
That is the truth!
March 25, 2012 at 10:44 pm
nasty
March 25, 2012 at 10:46 pm
For me I love the tactile senses it awakens as I take her hand or hands in mine and I feel the years of her labors, working, taking care of our home, I help but it’s always better together. Rasing kids and so on, it just reminds me of how much we have done and faced together, and then to just lay there holding hands I find the state of mind becomes thinking. Your aware of the pressure of the hands but you go somewhere else. I love it. Sometimes we just hold hands in bed.
March 25, 2012 at 10:51 pm
This is very true!
March 25, 2012 at 10:54 pm
So true and i wish I was married again so I could feel that wonderful feelings!
March 25, 2012 at 11:47 pm
“wouldn’t you rather be a widow than a divorcee?” lol
i am a divorcee, it sucks. but hey, whenever you can look back on something with hurt or sadness that is how you know it was worth doing in the first place. 🙂
March 25, 2012 at 11:50 pm
lol, is that ‘if i was married i wouldn’t be single?”
obvious tautology is tautologically obvious <3
March 25, 2012 at 11:51 pm
WOW +110, 55 shares, and 62 comments? I think Giselle Minoli wins the internet for today.
^5!
March 26, 2012 at 12:13 am
So if you’re in a crappy marriage you can expect the opposite of all the unicorns and rainbows? Figures. Lol
March 26, 2012 at 12:57 am
Yeahh Lol
March 26, 2012 at 12:57 am
^^
March 26, 2012 at 1:04 am
So true.
March 26, 2012 at 1:17 am
Giselle Minoli Frank Elliott “Home is our safe spot.” Such a perfect summary of our married life too. Makes me happy just thinking about it! And I got lucky Minoli: I married an Italian! Tufano! ;’) How can you go wrong? ;’)
March 26, 2012 at 1:36 am
Had a great weekend with my favorite couple and there daughter and my family.
March 26, 2012 at 2:08 am
lovely post .
March 26, 2012 at 2:15 am
So true
March 26, 2012 at 2:30 am
We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this coming September. Love this man!
March 26, 2012 at 2:32 am
Michael Burch I happen to have been very blessed in my marriage (not to say plates have not flown across the room on occasion (mostly back in the day)), but I would A MILLION TIMES rather be unhappy alone than unhappy and married. And what I tell my students (BUT ONLY WHEN THEY ASK) is you should only marry someone because you cannot live without them, not because you can live with them. The price of love is very high, very deep and very wide. It cannot be counted. It is at the core of who we are. I’m beginning to suspect it is at the core of WHAT we are.
March 26, 2012 at 6:07 am
cool
March 26, 2012 at 6:13 am
Very true, indeed. But we do tend to take each other for granted in the rush of daily chores and the like. We need to be reminded to be each other’s heroes from time to time. Let’s not divide our attention by frittering it on celebs and others who don’t really offer much in return. Let’s just concentrate on each other! <3
March 26, 2012 at 6:24 am
Good one I like it
March 26, 2012 at 7:31 am
Agree
March 26, 2012 at 9:27 am
yeah that’s true ….
March 26, 2012 at 9:20 pm
Colin Lucas-Mudd and Giselle Minoli love the Singing in the Rain reference! although I like the Rent soundtrack better I think Singing is a much better movie
March 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Phill Hocking I have never heard “Rent!” I will have to go to iTunes tonight!!!!!
March 26, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Meg Tufano OMG Meg! I will post the best song from Youtube right now
March 26, 2012 at 9:57 pm
stephanie wanamaker Thanks!
March 26, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Meg Tufano also posted it in a separate thread here it is https://plus.google.com/u/0/113067760031784364231/posts/89eaERjVL9n
March 26, 2012 at 10:10 pm
How did I miss this?????? Thanks again!
March 26, 2012 at 10:18 pm
I was married twice in the past and just because it didn’t work out in the end doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy at moments and that’s why I miss it so. Nothing beats holding hands, back rubs, and sharing all kinds of loving moments! I wish the world was a more loving, kind and compassionate place with no more violence or wars. it would actually be more like a garden of eden and I’m all for that! If I had one wish, it would be that I’d have a Brain On Love again, it’s the greatest ever! Someone to rub my back, hold my hand, give me kisses and lot’s of love would be so awesome! I’m looking for that person now and if I find him I can only hope to get married again. I love to cook and take care of a good man….I really enjoy and miss having a man now. Someone I could enjoy taking good care of. These days all I think about is finding another man or woman to make me feel that way again. Someone to have a real home with. Yes I said a woman or man. I’m not Gay but I’ve been bi in the past. Women feel just as great as men in my book. I could sure stand to feel safe or less stress in my life these days! I just hope I can find that “someone” soon.
March 26, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Bekkie Sanchez My experience is that as soon as you don’t want anyone? You find a way to be happy all by yourself???? THE ONE will appear. It’s like some kind of weird psychological double-take! ;’) Blessings be upon you!
March 26, 2012 at 11:23 pm
I’m already happy all by myself but I’d be happier with someone to share my life with. It also makes me feel much better to share how wonderful life can be and in bad times it’s nice to have that person to catch you when you fall. (So to speak.) I have found that sharing my life with someone who loves me just adds to the enjoyment of life itself! I understand just what you meant tho and you’re right about how that can happen when you least expect it. I’ll be watching for the ONE to appear. Lol!
March 26, 2012 at 11:25 pm
Bekkie Sanchez And, trust me, as soon as you give up looking? He (or she) will suddenly be there. It’s like a universal law or something! ;’)
March 26, 2012 at 11:49 pm
Love your writing Meg and I hope you’re correct because really I have given up lately so I’ll be watching carefully. It’s like Murphy’s Law in my field. Tee hee! Your husband sounds like a sweetie from what I’ve read so far. You are one smart and lucky woman! Have a great week!
March 27, 2012 at 12:20 am
Bekkie Sanchez In my opinion, there is no such thing (smart and lucky). Today things are good, tomorrow all you-know-what breaks loose. We get good days, good weeks, and then we deal with whatever the heck else comes at us. I wish you love.
March 27, 2012 at 1:08 am
Ah Bekkie Sanchez Hello there. I tend to agree with Meg Tufano on this one but, really, what do I know? I’ve been where you are and things change on a dime. They always do. I cannot explain life. It is a complete mystery to me. But I do tend to think that when I give up my own “plan” something better happens. I have gotten myself in trouble by holding on to tight to the way I think things should go and when they don’t being disappointed. This is one of the things I love about writing…you start out going down one road and very often end up on another one…with a better view. I second Meg’s wish for blessings upon you. Surely they will come.
March 27, 2012 at 1:12 am
Despite hard work and careful planning I still believe that luck happens to some people. I realize that life is one slippery slope so I shouldn’t have assumed what I did. If you don’t like smart, it’s OK. but you are talented. You are a good writer and I enjoy reading your thoughts.”Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” Dalai Lama Luv to you too.
March 27, 2012 at 1:15 am
Bekkie Sanchez You are one kind person! Even more blessings be upon you.
March 27, 2012 at 1:29 am
To Giselle (I’m not sure how to direct this to one person yet) I agree and I’ll send you the same quote as I sent to Meg. .”Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.” Dalai Lama I live to experience and learn.Thank you for your wise words and blessings I can always use blessings, who can’t? Lol! Writing itself is a blessing isn’t it?
March 27, 2012 at 1:33 am
Yes it is Bekkie Sanchez. What if you were given these moments in time to investigate some deeper creative purpose in your own life that can only be done in silence? Just thinking out loud here…
March 27, 2012 at 1:43 am
Once again, may I say to ALL OF YOU, how much I appreciate the lovers of hand-holding and romance I have discovered on Google+. Absolutely no one can tell me that the power of love marriage and relationships is on the wane, which is the POV presented most frequently in the press these days. You all warm my heart. Thank you.
March 29, 2012 at 11:51 am
So Diane Schaefer This does not mean that love is blind, merely that one can’t seeing it coming…because it often sneaks up on you and is a lovely surprise. What a nice story. Thank you.