How well do we know our ancestry? Do we understand where we came from? The circumstances and situations that swirled around our parents at the time of our conception? And not just our individual conception, but the conception of our siblings, the creation of what we call our families?
How many of us have ever sat down and told our parents we want to listen to it all, however long it takes…to the stories of their lives, their own birth families, the joys and pressures of their childhoods, how they came to be who they are in the world.
Do we know how and why our fathers chose their lines of work? Did they feel free, or constrained in some way, pressured, perhaps, by war, economic circumstances, a domineering father, an insistent mother? Or did our fathers go their own way, carve out their own paths, free in their hearts and souls, the red wildflowers in the center of fields of mostly yellow and and purple and white?
And our mothers? What were their dreams and aspirations for themselves? Did they get the education they wanted? Did they do what they wanted to do with their lives? Do they have any regrets, any unmet desires, any wishes, wants and hopes to which they have never given voice? Did their lives turn out the way they wanted? Was there a trimmed path through the forest, or did they have to bring a machete, clearing a step for each foot as they went?
Do we know how and where and when our parents fell in love? Did they choose one another, or was it an arranged or an expected marriage? Was it love at first sight, or did it smolder slowly? Was it expected, commanded, natural or cast in ambivalence? Was it destiny or fate, a choice, or simply the thing everyone does….eventually…like a clock ticking onto the next second, minute, hour?
Did they meet when they were young, or find one another long after they’d begun their lives’ journeys?
Do they have secrets they have never shared with anyone…ever?
Do they share the same religious and political beliefs, the same pastimes and hobbies? Do they crave one another’s company, or do they lead independent lives, yet remain deeply entwined, like the ivy climbing up the lattice work to the side of the house?
Do they laugh, or are they on automatic pilot? Are they partners, enemies, competitors, lovers, friends or strangers? Is life a joy or a hardship or many indescribable things in between? Are they funny, witty, dry humored, meant to be together, a mistake?
Are we like them, or different? Do we understand our own personalities and lives…our souls…or do we simply accept it all as DNA, as genetic, as something unquestioned, unexpressed, unexamined.
Many years ago I took this photo of an elderly woman in Cornolo, Italy, one of the tiny hamlets in the mountains outside of Parma where I have ancestral roots. There was a fabulous airplane weathervane across the street from her home and I pulled my car over to take some pictures.
She came outside, glowing with charm, wearing a bright periwinkle sweater and she asked me if I would join her for a cup of tea. We sat at the table in her kitchen and talked about my father’s family…about her family…and she told me what it was like to live in that physically beautiful place, a place that was so remote and so hard to get to in Winter that during the War a letter could take six months to arrive from Parma.
Chickens and roosters pecked at the grass growing outside her door, wind chimes tinkled on the porch and homemade weathervanes spun atop the mailboxes.
She talked about the harshness of the times, the lack of food, sitting around the wood burning stoves for warmth, waiting for Spring and the roads to thaw and for life to begin again, and I asked, “Was there no where else you could have gone?” and she replied, “Life was not about choice, it was about surviving.”
And so my memory of sitting with this lovely and kind woman, who was almost 90 when I met her…survives…and I am grateful that I made the choice that day to pull over and take pictures.
How well do we know the lives of our parents? Our grandparents?
How we came to be who we are today?
The trajectory and stories of our lives…connecting the past to the present…
February 10, 2016 at 4:03 pm
We are all icebergs. Most of what we are is hidden beneath the surface.
February 10, 2016 at 4:16 pm
Hello Michael O’Reilly. We are indeed. Trying to make the best of it, covering up our wounds, putting on our game faces, trying to remain relevant, whatever that means, trying to accept the inevitability of death, trying to make the most of our time between the beginning and the end. And what lies unexplored, unknown, unadmitted to beneath the surface can cause great damage…and hold up the beauty above it so it sparkles in the moon…
February 10, 2016 at 4:34 pm
I’m happy to say that while reading this I had in my mind every answer to every question I wish to know everyone the way I know my parents I had a theorie when I was younger that if we are 6-7 billion person and every one write a book of him/herself nit about everyday life but about their journey their feelings how they see the world … and the next generation collect those books and do a study we could solve what we call the “human/univers mistery …
Anw I hope I’ll get the chance to hear/read your story someday
February 10, 2016 at 4:41 pm
What a great thought Nancy H. Sadly I think that the art of family storytelling is receding into the background as people spend more and more bits of time on the internet. I’m happy to see that the counterpoint to that are photo essays, personal blogs and website, podcasts…all of it geared to storytelling and understanding the past and weaving it together with the present and bringing it into the future.
I love that you know the answer to every question…so often I will meet someone and I will ask them a question about their family and I will hear ‘I don’t know…I never asked…’
Some people of course do know the answers, in other families the information is not so accessible.
And, Yes, you will get that chance. It is a long and complex project and one that I will not release until it is perfect. It has to be done right. I am not the impatient sort who needs to shove it out there. I will wait for the dough to fully rise.
Cheers to you my dear…
February 10, 2016 at 6:41 pm
We are moving away across the states, over the seas, and losing touch with those who share our DNA. The magic of instant communication has created the opposite… distance of communication. We’ve become self-absorbed into caring what strangers think of us online instead of chewing the fat (even as a vegetarian I love that expression) with loved ones.
I plead guilty…. ashamed to say.
February 10, 2016 at 7:20 pm
Well, I certainly think it has become more challenging James Barraford. It is one of the things I find so deeply disturbing about snark on social media…the smearing of a person’s entire life because one snippet of information gets out about them and is interpreted in such a narrow and specific context that their entire life is measured by that one sentence, one event, one act, one decision.
Human beings are deeply complicated. This lovely woman was complicated. When I think back on my visit about here, what I came away with was what she herself relayed to me about her life, sitting there having tea with her. I didn’t have an iPad on which to Google her, there was no information or ‘stuff’ to dig up, from which I could draw my conclusions or form an opinion – fact checking her every word to my clacking finger’s content.
No, I sat there with her for a long time and listened to her and when I drove out of the mountains all I could of was that I know very few people who could have suffered the difficulties she and her families faced. I will never forget her.
February 10, 2016 at 9:00 pm
Giselle Minoli I feel as if I read my story and the questions I needed to find out. Your journey is an inspiration to me as mine has been for others. You have taken on a journey and have crossed many paths. I would like to know how many things did you open, stories you heard and the lessons of us humans could advance by understanding others and ourselves. I have to go now but enjoyed reading your post. Thank you for sharing.
February 10, 2016 at 9:58 pm
Michael Jon thank you for that kind comment. Yes…we humans could advance if only we took the time to understand others and ourselves. We are all here to enhance the quality of our own and others lives…and they ours. If only we are willing…
February 14, 2016 at 1:29 pm
Giselle Minoli I thank you, for being one more who could touch my soul and soften my heart all the more. Your very special for you take on this thing we all got for free….Life Wish you the best and I know you can make the best of it. Stay in touch friend, I will try as well. Enjoy your day.
February 27, 2016 at 12:34 pm
Wonderful story and this special image to go with it! Love this Giselle Minoli
I know you have read Atul Gawande’s book ‘Being Mortal’, but if not, I highly recommend it. It’s not unrelated. And also not unrelated there is my my own recent story of Martha’s Farm on my website.
I am going to subscribe to this collection for notifications. Hooray for collections!
February 27, 2016 at 1:28 pm
Ellie Kennard I have read this several times and I enjoy sharing the stories the cultural aspects of where and how we live and think and interact. I will stay in touch with as much of this as I can. Thank you dear friends.
February 27, 2016 at 2:44 pm
Good morning Ellie Kennard thank you so much. I do not know Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal but now I do and will look for it, as well as your own recent story of Martha’s Farm. Personal stories are more interesting to me than fiction. So…I will throw one out to you…When Breath Becomes Air by Dr. Paul Kalanithi…
February 27, 2016 at 3:13 pm
Giselle Minoli Good morning +Ellie Kennard thank you so much. I do not know Atul Gawande’s Being Mortal but now I do and will look for it, as well as your own recent story of Martha’s Farm. Personal stories are more interesting to me than fiction. So…I will throw one out to you…When Breath Becomes Air by Dr. Paul Kalanithi… thanks for the great post and I have more for my reading list as well. Wish you a happy and nice weekend
February 27, 2016 at 4:47 pm
Michael Jon Thanks Jon. I appreciate the comment.
Giselle Minoli good morning to you! I have put the ‘When Breath Becomes Air’ book on the waiting list in my digital library. I borrowed the Atul Gawande book in the same way. And have just downloaded his “The Checklist Manifesto – Getting it Right” but haven’t begun it yet. Have a lovely weekend, Giselle. I will try to stay in touch more as I miss our interactions from the good old days.
February 27, 2016 at 10:14 pm
I miss our interactions too Ellie Kennard. I noticed that as time went by the group of people got larger and larger and larger and, speaking only personally, it because impossible for me to keep up with it and my professional work and my own personal writing and travelling. Something had to give, so to speak, and I choose to be here less frequently, but that when I am here to make it count. It is impossible to do everything and doing G+ right it a commitment of time. It is nice to see that so many of the original gang is still at it…fulfilling their participation in their own highly personal ways. Cheers to you and Steven Kennard.
February 28, 2016 at 2:49 pm
Giselle Minoli I am so glad I came across your post and find the subject matter as well as you to make me stop and think a little deeper than at the moment. I am so busy with many things it would be a shame to let it go and not continue learning more about ourselves and the others in our life….. Thank you Dear Friend, Yours Michael Jon