Morning,
At some point every day of my life, for as long as I can remember, there has been a tussle – sometimes an all out battle – between my intense desire to be alone with myself without distraction so that I can write, create, think, be, and the opposite desire to commingle, coexist, communicate, co-be, with people I love. What defines it as either a tussle or a battle is my access, or lack thereof, to a separate physical space and ample time in which to be that creative person. If I have plenty of time with myself, my commingling is a warmish and happy affair. If I don’t, my social appearances can feel rather like going out into a snow storm naked.
This is the quintessential Virginia Woolf A Room of One’s Own conundrum. Add to this basic dilemma managing the responsibilities of a fulltime job and the tussle that is sometimes a battle can escalate into a full-fledged war, which it has done often over the course of the past decade.
But even if I do have a room of my own in which to be whatever or whomever I want to be privately, without being watched, judged or interrupted (and thankfully I do at the moment), this won’t necessarily satisfy the Muses, who always beg for more time and attention. Because they are selfish. Because it’s all about them. Because their threats of drenching me in eternal mediocrity, dissatisfaction and unfinished work if I don’t fully commit my time to them are palpable and real. For the Muses are by turns kind or vicious, depending on how much attention I lavish on their whisperings.
In New York the birds that live in the trees in the courtyard at the back of my building wake me up every morning, and come evening they sing more softly as the sun is going down. If one is paying attention birds do have a lovely way of setting the tone at any given moment. But while New York birds don’t often sit for chats on telephone lines, out in the real world they do, such that whenever I travel interstate I’m in danger of driving off the road because I can become easily captivated by Birds on Their Wires – counting out their numbers as I drive, checking out their configurations, how closely they sit together or apart, whether they seem frozen by the cold or are decidedly more chipper on a warm day, and wondering whatever they are thinking or saying to one another.
It seems that wherever I go I am confronted by the To Be Alone or Not To Be Alone question. Even here on G+, which presents the delightful option of sitting alone over here and doing one’s thing, while still within shouting distance of a group of other feathered folk with whom to chat over there.
Ah, me. What to do what to do what to do. The individual post stream. The community. A group. My own website. A room of my own. A hangout with others. I am alone. But I am not.
We are all birds on a wire.
Chirp chirp.
GM
Image by gratuit / Reconciliation
January 17, 2013 at 1:45 pm
For me, it’s not just the ‘time alone’ or the space … it’s that creativity isn’t that highly-regimented for me, and the 9-to-5 grind is counter to that. I don’t get home after a day at work and say, “Now is the time to be creative!”
(The irony, of course, is that video editing is considered to be a creative function/occupation.)
January 17, 2013 at 1:49 pm
Good morning, Bob Lai You are up early with the birds! I know people who “regiment” their creativity and are quite successful at it. ‘Twould seem neither of us are that sort!
January 17, 2013 at 1:54 pm
I’m usually up at this hour, I work the AM newscast. 😀
January 17, 2013 at 1:57 pm
Aha! Woken up by the birds. BTW…video-editing/film-editing is a most creative endeavor. It’s an art.
January 17, 2013 at 1:59 pm
hey Giselle Minoli I have had countless discussions about this with poets I know. I think that creative types fall broadly into two camps: Apollonian and Dyonisian. Apollonians are all about order and system. They wake up at 6am no matter the hangover and write for exactly 4 hours before taking a break, etc. E.g. Vargas-Llosa: “Monday through Saturday, I work on the novel in progress, and I devote Sunday mornings to journalistic work—articles and essays. I try to keep this kind of work within the allotted time of Sunday so that it doesn’t infringe on the creative work of the rest of the week. Sometimes I listen to classical music when I take notes, as long as there’s no singing. It’s something I started doing when I lived in a very noisy house. In the mornings, I work alone, nobody comes up to my office. I don’t even take phone calls. If I did, my life would be a living hell. You cannot imagine how many phone calls and visitors I get. Everyone knows this house. My address unfortunately fell into the public domain.” (http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/2280/the-art-of-fiction-no-120-mario-vargas-llosa)
Apollonian poets write a poem every day and revise a poem every Saturday, or some such thing. Dyonisian creators are the opposite.
Someone pointed out to me that the writing industry, and most anything that becomes an “industry” rewards the Apollos among us.
Personally? I go through phases. I like routine, and I like spontaneity. I am way too old to worry about “production” these days, so I write only occasional verse which I share (via snail mail!) with my audience of friends.
January 17, 2013 at 2:01 pm
Apparently I am way way way Dyonisian. Interesting to infer what an Apollonian must view me. I’m with THOSE birds, flitting from group to group to flying off alone at times.
January 17, 2013 at 2:02 pm
Editing for news is a bit of a mix. Got a daily project that was launched last October, though, and was involved in the ground-up design, so it’s lots of fun. Really felt like I got to stretch my wings.
January 17, 2013 at 2:17 pm
Martin Townsley thank you…but…I cannot take credit for this photo. It is a free stock photo that I’ve had for a while and the only reference I can find for it is that it is calle Reconciliation Concept (gratuit, I think). Apologies for not tagging it appropriately. I never seem to be able to pull over fast enough to capture a shot when I’m on the road. It’s frustrating.
January 17, 2013 at 2:22 pm
Me, too BJ Bolender. When I’m with myself I feel completely normal and sane. When I’m with others I always feel like I’m disappointing someone. For instance it is impossible for me to sit in a group and watch a movie at home. I simply cannot do it. I’m up I’m down, I’m in and out of the room. In a movie theatre, totally different. I could walk along the beach for hours by myself. Put me on a crowded one and I am out of there in a heartbeat.
January 17, 2013 at 2:25 pm
That’s fantastic Bob Lai. Congratulations. I think editing for a long time was one of those unsung skills. But more and more attention has come to the craft because of the Academy awards. And articles about famous directors and their editors. Film is so much a medium of the various people behind the camera..very much the cinematographer and editor and producers and director. We’re so actor/newscaster oriented…but it’s the behind-the-scenes that interest me. My poor long-suffering husband…I always make him watch the credits with me and it pisses me off that on TV they roll by so fast you can’t read them. An assumption that no one cares. I do.
January 17, 2013 at 2:28 pm
I’m working on it J.C. Kendall, I’m working on it. I was working for myself for a long time and this awful thing in NY called 9/11 happened and that was that. But I’m changing things this year in a big way and venturing down that road once again. Thank you for the compliment and support. You are so right. This is NOT a dress rehearsal, is it?
January 17, 2013 at 2:32 pm
Giselle Minoli Sharing one’s time and oneself, the riddle….
Good luck
I love your shot
January 17, 2013 at 2:33 pm
Leo Campos reading your description of Apollonian vs. Dyonisian, I suppose that I am a combination of both. I am disciplined and structured and self-motivated…but…I wish that I didn’t have to work within any kind of structure because I have never had a time in my life where I was able to play. You know it’s that old childhood thing: Dad died, had to grow up and give up the time when a lot of people are playing and experimenting. This rather accurately describes the dilemma..
January 17, 2013 at 2:37 pm
Giselle Minoli play is important, I know that well. My question at this time is: how do I play as an adult? I refuse to give up wisdom and unlearn things…kids can play freely because they have no wisdom – no experience and knowledge and heartache to deal with. So, adult “play” will be different. How to do it?
BTW: I think you are more playful (or present a more playful side of yourself) than you give yourself credit for – you might be longing for a childhood which is more romantic and mythical than real. Maybe.
January 17, 2013 at 2:37 pm
Interesting contradictions, Giselle, that I can relate to.
“When I’m with myself I feel completely normal and sane. When I’m with others I always feel like I’m disappointing someone.”
Me too, but then on a regular basis I don’t have to “feel it” because I am subtly told. Welcomed but still apart in a group.
“it is impossible for me to sit in a group and watch a movie at home. I simply cannot do it. I’m up I’m down, I’m in and out of the room. In a movie theatre, totally different.”
TV drives me crazy since there is no way to really immerse myself to the experience and I am distracted by everything around me. In a theatre, I am intently focused. And I always stay for credit. Always wishing they would be more specific and go slower. “Background migrant” repeated 30 times does not “help”, LOL
“I could walk along the beach for hours by myself.”
When it is my choice to be alone with nature, it is deeply rewarding.
“Put me on a crowded one and I am out of there in a heartbeat.”
Suggestion: just go into your alone place and look at what is around you with an existential eye. You’ll get much more from this crowded space when you view yourself as a floating orb, surveying the landscape.
January 17, 2013 at 2:37 pm
I always read film credits. I’m interested in editing, of course, but I know people in the industry, from dialect coaches to transportation brokers.
And when I first started in the news biz and we ran credits to show you ‘the folks who bring you Eyewitness News,’ my grandmother would point out my name to her friends.
January 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm
Whoa BJ Bolender – that is some Dalai Lama level stuff there buddy! Nice.
January 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm
How come you are all so wise and smart and generous and kind and observant and, well, playful?
January 17, 2013 at 2:46 pm
sigh, Giselle Minoli I have you in a circle that’s supposed to notify me of posts, and for some reason, your posts refuse to trigger that. Well, hopefully you realize some of us come looking for you on purpose!
January 17, 2013 at 3:02 pm
Concerning others wanting my time, and me wanting my time, I apply the following law, that is, trust my judgment one and all, if one respects me, if one loves me… one should trust me, I know when someone needs me and I know when I need me, trust me I wont violate anybody’s rights, by never violating my own. Sometimes I feel like screaming from the rooftops.. TRUST MY JUDGMENT I know what I’m doing.
January 17, 2013 at 3:03 pm
Ergun Çoruh I so relate to your words. As much as the tussle/battle/war causes problems I wouldn’t want to trade my life as a creative person for anything. To grapple with it at all is to appreciate the madness of it, the fleetingness of it, the landing and taking off again, the slipping away. I would rather know and be aware at every waking moment that all of that is happening than to pretend it isn’t and to denial old age and death. Because if one lives life like that, boy oh boy what a slap in the face. Thank you…
January 17, 2013 at 3:06 pm
Jeremy Ramberg “…great family support…” and being loved I think this is key. I know so many creative people who struggle against their families and I often wonder what they would create if they didn’t have to. Then I know others who disappear into their studios and when they emerge their families great them with open arms. It is one of the greatest acts of kindness and generosity, I think, for a family, spouse, partner, whomever, to give support to a creative person. For there is no promise that anything commercial or public will come of it in one’s lifetime.
January 17, 2013 at 3:10 pm
Let the stream of creativity flow to the river, there to the ocean, there. Morning
January 17, 2013 at 3:14 pm
What a great shot! This would be a wonderful post for #powerlinefriday
January 17, 2013 at 3:48 pm
The circle of one 🙂 You are not alone Giselle, and you are heard whenever you need to shout and scream your presence with like minded folks 🙂 Have a wonderful day!!
January 17, 2013 at 4:25 pm
Denise Baxter Yoder What you have described, the dance you have described, with our collective friends Flotsam and Jetsam is very much how I describe my favorite dance – the Argentine Tango. Part structural, part improvisational, male/female, push/pull, fast/slow, predictable/unpredictable, beautiful/maddening, hard/soft, ever in moment, ever changing. Never masterable, always beguiling. Distinctly different when one is young than when one is “older.” Yet impossible to resist. Abandon all hope ye who enter here. This is the blessing and the curse of being creative…and a writer God help us all!
January 17, 2013 at 4:30 pm
Morning Byron Brooks from my outpost on the wire, from where I can see the river and the ocean and the mountains and the meadow. I like a high perch. Up here, the presence of other flying birds makes me feel right at home.
Jim Nooney Why am I so relieved to know that I have male company in this? I was wondering out loud to my husband last night that I think we women artists fear a lack of love if we remove ourselves from our “other” or “the group” because we are supposed to be continual caretakers. We are not supposed to be self indulgent or selfish. We are supposed to be giving and attending to others, not taking for ourselves and attend to our own needs. Methinks this is why there are so few women artists over the centuries compared to men.
January 17, 2013 at 4:40 pm
OMG Sheri ONeill the thought that there is a posse makes me want to fly away! You laugh, but ’tis true. You have no idea what it took for me to venture down this road. I often travel by myself and, as pio dal cin knows, have plopped myself down in an apartment in Italy in a city in which I know absolutely no one just in order to be out of my comfort zone. But at least that is a physical place. This is something between virtual and real. It is rather like flying, because every time I go up I can’t for the life of me figure out what keeps the plane up in the air (even though I understand the dynamics it’s still a magical mystery tour). Thus the bird imagery.
Hello Sami ELMURR! I ought to have said that this particular post was inspired by Brian Glick’s post last night about the ability we now have to choose whether our posts to our community groups will show up on our own profile. I used the bird analogy in a comment on that thread. Just the decision to deal with Turn On/Turn Off that option was enough to send me to the meditation room for an entire day!
January 17, 2013 at 4:42 pm
J.C. Kendall I had no idea you were a Buddhist…and you might or might not know those are my own leanings. Which, perhaps not surprisingly, are what make me feel absolutely fine about examining all of this. I had a dream once that everywhere I “flew” in the world people were wearing maroon robes and chanting. It was such a lovely dream… I think in the dream I was in Mongolia. There were lots of camels and yurts.
January 17, 2013 at 4:44 pm
And now J.C. Kendall reveals himself as Yoda for us! this thread has the Dalai Lama, Yoda and Giselle Minoli! I am about to ‘splode with happiness!
Actually J.C. Kendall I think your philosophy is/could be/should be universal, not Buddhist per se no? if more people remembered that they are bags of mostly water things would be very different – running with scissors for a start!
January 17, 2013 at 4:45 pm
Okay J.C. Kendall True Confessions: There were lots of camels, yurts and an In-N-Out Burger joint.
January 17, 2013 at 6:53 pm
J.C. Kendall is also a mind-reader! I was thinking of exactly same eP: Ugly Bags of Mostly Water. Ugly ugly giant bags of mostly water…
January 17, 2013 at 7:13 pm
If you swim J.C. Kendall, your Bag of Mostly Water will feel right at home. Catch a wave… (Sent from my ‘puter at Apple…)
January 17, 2013 at 7:35 pm
pool sharks…and pool zombies…those crystal clear waters are dangerous J.C. Kendall
January 17, 2013 at 7:38 pm
J.C. Kendall LOL. Did you see this post of mine? It might make you laugh:
https://plus.google.com/104028329852681318179/posts/SGuqvjANJvE
January 18, 2013 at 5:06 am
Giselle Minoli This is just lovely. Here I am, supposedly on G+ sabbatical to attend to personal projects, but checked in just for a moment to discover your beautiful and timely post. I am clearly a Dyonisian ;). Back to home reorganizing with me!
January 18, 2013 at 2:53 pm
george glavas I was thinking about your comment all day yesterday as I was negotiating the price for something someone has asked me to do. This Trust Me I Know What I’m Doing stuff is fascinating, not just when there is no immediate money involved, as when someone is writing a book (I am), or preparing paintings for a future gallery show, or developing a product, or composing a piece of music. No one I know of who is talented creates hoping and praying that no one will ever see it. While getting it to that state is another matter entirely, one has to create out of the belief that there is something worthwhile to express in whatever the chosen medium.
Then there the dreaded Next Step, of bringing the creation out of the silent room or studio where one has escaped to give birth to it and putting a price on its worth. That, too, requires a very large dose of Trust Me I Know What I’m Doing. I go into my Popeye mode and ingest an extra helping of spinach and down more vitamins…
January 18, 2013 at 4:01 pm
Hi, Sheri ONeill All of these years later, after having been immersed in various aspects of the New York art scene…with dancers, writers, poets, dramatists, directors, actors, painters, designers, you name it…there are a multitude of reasons that creative people can be seen as “difficult.” The effort that it takes to create anything of value is massive. But the courage to face down naysayers has to come from a deep wellspring of faith and trust in oneself as george glavas says. Bette Davis used to say that getting older isn’t for sissies. Well, neither is being any sort of creative person. Did you know that Vincent van Gogh only sold one painting before he died? One.
January 18, 2013 at 4:16 pm
She lives in Santa Fe? Where exactly Sheri ONeill? Lived there for four years while I was at St. John’s. Lived in two different little adobes on Garcia Street and then lived in a rather famous solar-heated one room house on Upper Canyon Road right across from Monsignor Patrick Smith Park. I had a black labrador named Jason who would look both ways before he scampered across the street to the park…
January 18, 2013 at 8:02 pm
J.C. Kendall and Giselle Minoli : looping back to the dangers of swimming pools – http://running.competitor.com/2012/08/out-there/out-there-fear-the-water_57463
January 18, 2013 at 10:38 pm
This woman is clearly related to Woody Allen Leo Campos!
January 19, 2013 at 12:56 am
Giselle Minoli lol possibly. Her stuff is funny that’s for sure.
January 21, 2013 at 2:09 am
Wow Giselle Minoli usually I ignore matthew rappaport’s Rodney King type of comments but I decided to at least explore sharing a post from each of the commenters. I am glad I started with you. Your words put a voice to some of my feelings and I am grateful for the opportunity to share them. Thank you.
January 21, 2013 at 2:12 am
Pam Adger I am Smiling the Big Smile. Thank you very much.