Good Sunday afternoon my fellow stepmothers and stepfathers (and everyone else!),
“Hey, I’m Kevin, what’s up? How was the trip? Welcome to our house. To Pennsylvania. To no man’s land. Dad, when can we eat?” was essentially how it went from the start. Relieved, I thought, ‘Great. I don’t have to say a word. He’s hyperactive and has it covered!’ Basically, he had me from “Hey, I’m Kevin…”
Thus began my relationship with my husband’s youngest child, who became my stepson – the legal definition – when his father placed a wedding ring on my finger one late September afternoon many years ago. These are confounding words…stepmother, stepson, stepchild…ones that get tossed around in conversation with scads and scads of preconceived ideas about what those relationships mean. One of those preconceived ideas is that a stepparent/stepchild relationship is rarely an emotionally close one, as that relationship will always necessarily be set against the relationship with the biological parent, which takes precedent and came first.
I am less than fond of the word ‘stepparent.’ It doesn’t come close to describing how I feel about the two young women and one young man who are my husband’s brilliant, funny, talented, confounding, complex and wholly unique children. If I could eradicate the word from the dictionary I would, and I’d replace it with one that allows those of us who are members of extended families by remarriage to get to know one another as individual human beings, rather than be bound by how we are legally defined in relationship to one another in the marriage courts.
Yet stuck with the descriptive word ‘stepmother’ though I may be, in my heart I am free of any preconceived notions about what that might mean and I encourage all stepparents and stepchildren to define their own relationships with their stepfamily in a way that is true and authentic for them, which is different for each and every person.
From time-to-time I write articles for StepMom Magazine about my adventures in stepparenting. I wrote Climbing the Steps: Conversations with My Stepson About Life, Love and Loss, about my relationship with my stepson, Kevin, for the March 2012 issue.
I dedicate this story to all stepmoms and stepdads, and all stepdaughters and stepsons in our Googleverse.
Thank you, as always, for reading.
Have a lovely day.
Giselle
#StepMothers #Stepsons #StepParenting #giselleminoli
June 3, 2012 at 5:46 pm
I have a “step” daughter that’s been in my life for the last 7 years. Didn’t marry her dad, just accepted her as mine. I’m not her “stepmom” I am her other mom during introductions. I’m not with her dad anymore but she is still mine. And will be as long as I live and she knows that in her heart. :). I love reading your posts Giselle Minoli.
June 3, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Nicolé Reneé you have made my day and made writing and putting together this post worth it. You words mean more to me than I can possibly tell you. Thank you. And blessings to you and your “step” daughter who you love and keep in your heart. Why all need as much love as we can get.
June 3, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Thank you for this wonderful post and the link. I am a lucky person who grew up with both a terrific stepfather and stepmother who always made me feel counted and loved. Best to you Giselle and yours!
June 3, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Hello, Kena Herod You are lucky…and they are lucky! Best to you and your gorgeous daughter!
June 3, 2012 at 6:48 pm
My dad was a lovely man. Never made a distinction between the children he fathered and those (including me) that had two dads. I have such a respect for mums and dads that can do that – and have little time for the word step at all.
June 3, 2012 at 6:52 pm
🙂 Buon giorno!
June 3, 2012 at 7:10 pm
I stumbled onto my stepmother fairly late in my life – the ‘mother’ aspect was never really an issue – but I can imagine that it is not an easy job – more power to you Giselle Minoli, for making it work so well!
June 3, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Thank you, Giselle! Stepparenting goes beyond just one generation. Unfortunately, in the case of my stepmother, she and my dad divorced after 17 years together a few years ago. But my stepmom is always in my heart and thankfully she got to meet my daughter once (important for my stepmom as she never had any kids of her own and my daughter just charmed her of course as she something else sweet as a little person!)
In better news, my mother and stepfather are still married after near 35 years. My stepfather never had any children of his own. I, as his stepdaughter, is the only child for him. He’s a loving man to me, and my daughter is one of the lights of his life. She’ll be going down to the States as always this summer for a couple of weeks to see her “Grandpa” ( fortunately when my daughter was born, my father wanted “Papa,” and my ex-father-in-law wanted “Granddad” and my stepdad “Grandpa” as monikers, so everyone was happy!). My daughter will spend time with “Grandpa” out in the country, caring for horses, dogs, cats and llamas, doing so as she does every year happily wearing cowboy boots!
Anyway, all of that is to say I’ve been blessed with wonderful stepparents who continue the love to the next generation treating them as “blood” even though they are not. My stepparents “owned” me from Day 1 and so goes the same for their “step”granddaughter”! Thank you again for your article and yet again best to you and yours!
June 3, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Hello Sarah Wooller Your dad never making a distinction is a man whose heart is filled with love…and who realized that you were not to blamed for having two Dads. I have often thought that men, who send their sons off to be coached in sports by “surrogate” fathers have an easier time with all of this than mothers do. I think boys have multiple fathers throughout their lives, but girls are culturally primed to have only one. That makes two of us who have no time for the word “step.”
And buongiorno to you, too, Jack C Crawford!
June 3, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Hi, Susanne Ramharter isn’t it nice to be able to just meet another woman and get to know here as an individual? I wish there were more cultural support for that. Sometimes it seems a matter of individual wisdom, sometimes it’s a matter of years spent on the planet, and certainly sometimes it’s a matter of individual personalities. As for making it work…well, I have a lot to learn and many steps to climb still!
June 3, 2012 at 7:32 pm
From what I see on you posts and comments, Giselle Minoli, you have more than enough comapssion and intelligence to make it a great experience for your ‘step’children – I can only quote the meme: ‘Keep calm and Cary on’ 🙂
June 3, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Thank you for your support and your presence in my G+ life Susanne Ramharter…both of which are very much appreciated!
June 3, 2012 at 7:43 pm
right back to you Giselle Minoli! 🙂
June 3, 2012 at 8:02 pm
I became a stepmother to a twelve-year old boy when I was 25, and I am afraid I’ve failed this test utterly and completely…
June 3, 2012 at 8:11 pm
Lena Levin Don’t give up. Life ebbs and flows with a fair few second chances along the way.
June 3, 2012 at 8:13 pm
Sarah Wooller — it is a bit too late in this case; that “boy” is now in his mid-thirties, and lives on another continent…
June 3, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Wonderful post Giselle. The love for your children shines brightly. I will gladly sign your petition.
June 3, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Lena Levin I don’t think you’ve “failed” anything. Twelve years old is twelve years of relationship before you. It is not only the stepparent who must have an open heart, but so much the stepchild. You cannot control that. There are so many elements that come together to make a step relationship work. My mother was not “successful” with my half-sister. I can tell you my half sister made it fairly impossible. It should not feel like a test. But, unfortunately, for the stepparent all too often it does. My heart goes out to you. I wish that I could take away your sense of failure. I think all step relationships are works in continual progress as long as neither party withdraws from the effort. And now there is StepMom Magazine and hosts of other helpful resources out there. This, sadly, was not the case when you were 25. It is not easy.
June 3, 2012 at 11:41 pm
Giselle Minoli — thank you for your words. I am not overwhelmed by the recognition of this failure; now that he is quite stable and successful (after rather eventful and rebellious youth), I don’t think of it much at all, because I see that there was no lasting damage done by the crisis in his life caused (or helped along) by my appearance in his father’s.
It’s just your prose was so sincere and powerful that it provoked this response.
June 4, 2012 at 12:52 am
Siamak Manzarpour that’s a Pandora’s Box you could easily open there. I would say that what I am really passionate about is the notion that children should be freed up emotionally by their parents, whether they are biological, step, adopted or otherwise, to be able to develop relationships with whatever mentor figures they choose. I never realized until I was much older that the death of my own father enabled me to have mentor/father relationships with many people outside of my own family, which was a good thing. And my mother tended to surround herself with strong and talented women, so there happened to have been many female role models in my young life, which enabled me to see women not just as “mothers” but as friends, mentors, supporters, teachers, counselors. I wish only that I had met my stepchildren when they were younger and that I had had more time to spend with them. But there are many years still to live…thankfully. Glad you enjoyed the essay!
June 4, 2012 at 1:04 am
You mentioned “mentor” relationships, Giselle. I’ve been fortunate to have had more than my share. One of my greatest mentors was my English professor Reta Madsen (Vanderbilt, Yale). She, lacking any grandchildren of her own, made special effort to see my daughter yearly up until she died last year. When she died, I was devastated. My father kindly bought me a plane ticket from Canada to the US to go to her funeral because he knew how much care and love Reta had given to me for over 15 years: http://blogs.webster.edu/globalthinking/blog/2011/03/02/former-students-colleagues-remember-reta-madsen/
P.S. I never wrote on the blog above because I and my daughter were so close to her that I couldn’t find the words for her loss. But I did go to St. Louis for her memorial and spent time with many who were close to her. Besides my dad, my other host was my philosophy degree mentor, the amazing Britt-Marie Schiller, a colleague of beloved Reta. A circle of amazing women! 🙂
June 4, 2012 at 9:45 am
blessingssssss,, and how are you,, how was your days.
June 4, 2012 at 11:29 am
Raising someone else’s child can be a hazardous vocation that leaves one feeling like a failure Lena Levin.
“now that he is quite stable and successful (after rather eventful and rebellious youth), I don’t think of it much at all” is apt description for most of us who look backwards after the long journey. Divorce or abandonment is painful for children, and for some, there was much pain inflicted before the divorce. And that pain often directed at, and absorbed by, the new parent.
Their success in life becomes our success, not by living vicariously through them, but as reward and proof that it was worth staying the course.
June 4, 2012 at 11:35 pm
Gary S Hart I think you are right about this. The relationships are so complex that even where you think you have failed there are things underlying everything that are hard to understand. People are born into and grow up in different realities. It is difficult to change that. But I do think that time heals all wounds in very significant ways…
June 5, 2012 at 9:27 am
Giselle Minoli, I don’t know if I’m right, but hindsight is a valuable viewpoint that would have made a huge difference in my parenting experience. Last night, one of our student’s parents said to me “Parenting is humbling.” Wise words.
June 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Gary S Hart How can one possibly know how to parent perfectly? Yes, “Parenting is humbling.” So is the act of forgiving one’s parents for everything they did wrong (in our minds…). 😉
June 5, 2012 at 4:22 pm
A brilliant woman helped me manage the feat of forgiving my parents whose marriage left scars on everyone. Before I married, I knew I needed help to cleanse myself. The first thing she said was “Bury the hatchet with your parents, just don’t bury it in them.”
Thanks to you Gislle, Sally and our son have given me permission to write about my stepparenting experience. Of course, the entire family will have previews for ayes and nays.
June 5, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Warms my heart, Gary S Hart. One of my goals as a writer about stepparenting issues was that I have always felt that personal storytelling is the best teacher for others if there is consciousness within it. There is a lot of “complaint” out there – about biological parenting and about stepparenting and not enough understanding and forgiveness. A key thing forgiveness, eh? Easy to blame, hard to forgive. Could you put that on the school schedule for Grade School. Forgiveness is a lesson we could all use more than a little coaching in from early in life…
That said, I cannot wait to read your own stepparenting tales. I know they will be interesting and instructive. Bravo to you, Sally and your stepson for taking the plunge…
June 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Giselle Minoli, as always, your essays and posts are both lovely and thought provoking. I’ve watched “good” step-parenting situations and not so good ones. I think the difference between them often depends, at least in part, on the role the biological parent plays in the relationship. If the parent allows the children to feel threatened by the “new” person in their lives, the relationship between the step parent and child is usually doomed. On the other hand, if the step parent is perceived as someone who “adds value” so to speak to the children’s relationship with the parent, the step is not seen as a threat and the relationship is smoother. Do you Giselle Minoli and Gary S Hart see this as the case?
June 6, 2012 at 12:52 am
Ah, Anita Law I think you raise the salient point. There is a movement to have harmony between bioparents and stepparents because only the child suffers if there isn’t and the disharmony they take with them into their own lives. Anita, I’ve written on my own writing pages about the blessing in my life of having to find many “fathers” after my own father died, and having to find many “mothers” too. At the time, to tell the truth, I felt rather sorry for myself, but in time I came to see it as a great benefit in life. I mean, we meet mentor figures in school, in college, in our professional lives, don’t we? Why is it that so many parents teach their children not to be able to relate to other adults? The problem is that there is so much blame when there is a divorce and very often the only person to take the anger out on is the stepparent. It think it is changing slowly…but it is changing. But parents can only do this if they are solid in who they are. That is the bottom line.
June 6, 2012 at 1:18 am
I have a very good friend who went through a rather messy divorce (he cheated on her). But she never, ever, badmouths her X. Not to friends, and especially not to her children. She appreciates his role as a father to his children and encourages them to love and respect him. She now has met someone who I think she will end up with. Because of the good atmosphere she has created in her and her children’s life, they seem to have taken to him quite well. I think the reason is that no one is threatened by him. They love their father and look at the boyfriend as someone who enhances their and their mother’s life. That is a good model I think.
June 6, 2012 at 1:26 am
Anita Law your friend is a wise woman, who has the emotional best interests of her children at heart. And it tells me that she respects herself no matter what her husband did (I’m glad she’s no longer with him). Love begets love and the role model that she is for her children will influence they way they treat the people they meet in their lives. She sounds like an awesome woman, an awesome mother. Under the circumstances, no one would have blamed her had she not been able to be so generous. Brava for her! And thank you for sharing that.
June 6, 2012 at 1:31 am
Thanks Giselle Minoli. I do respect her greatly for that. I don’t think I would have had the strength she did. But as you say, she did it for her children and all involved are better for it.
December 26, 2013 at 6:38 pm
Thanks for posting this. I totally relate to this “preconceived ideas is that a stepparent/stepchild relationship is rarely an emotionally close one.” So many people don’t understand that a stepparent/stepchild relationship can actually be an amazing one. xo
December 27, 2013 at 4:08 am
Hello elle michele. How nice, after over a year and a half, for you to stumble upon this post and take the time to comment. Yes, so very many people don’t realize, or, rather, they don’t want to understand that a stepparent/stepchild relationship can actually be an amazing one. This is because (in my view) it would challenge the preconceived order of power in families…that long held belief being that children should love their parents (biological) solely. This is culturally more true of girls than it is of boys, who are allowed to seek out the advice and guidance of father figures outside the family. But girls are not encouraged in this way and so biological mothers are very often threatened by the presence of other adults women in their children’s lives. Enter the beleaguered stepmother. So many of us have been there. I know a lot of stepmothers. They are all good, kind and caring people. It’s hard to get out from under that cultural bias. Thank you so much for your comment.
December 27, 2013 at 6:17 pm
Thank you for your reply! It’s so true.
I was looking for resources for stepmoms and your post came up in my search.
Take care.
December 27, 2013 at 8:52 pm
Delighted elle michele I’ve circled you. Let’s stay in touch if we can.
December 27, 2013 at 9:22 pm
Happy New Year Giselle. I hope you have a wonderful 2014.
Sent from my iPhone
December 27, 2013 at 11:42 pm
sounds great Giselle Minoli!