Evening all you step parents and step families…
StepMom Magazine has just published Climbing the Steps: Conversations with My Stepson about Life, Love and Loss, a story I wrote about my relationship with my stepson, Kevin. It’s a companion piece to On Birthdays and Black Nail Polish (published in StepMom in May of 2011) which I wrote about my relationship with my middle stepdaughter, and which you can read here: http://giselleminoli.com/writing/?p=38#more-38.
I have only shared the first few paragraphs below because StepMom is a subscription magazine. I can publish the story on www.giselleminoli.com after a grace period of 90 days. In the meantime, StepMom Magazine is a classy publication that focuses on a whole smorgasbord of topics in the wild, woolly, wondrous, and often woebegone world of step parenting.
I like to read stories about the building of relationships between stepparents and stepchildren; so much of what is written and talked about focuses on the difficulties of these relationships rather than the rewards. My own relationships with my stepchildren are important to me. Sometimes they have been straight on easy. Sometimes the road has been rough. But, in all honesty as relationships go I have had to cross the same mountains, valleys, rivers and deserts with my stepchildren as I have with every other relationship in my life, be it with a lover, a friend, a family member, or co-worker. And for the record, in my experience biological parent/child relationships are not automatically covered in fairy dust, everyone strolling hand in hand down the Champs-Elysées whistling Dixie, if you know what I mean. Relationships, no matter with whom and under what circumstance, take time, nurturing, patience, love, acceptance, and, yes, more than a little elbow grease.
The truth is that there are now more stepmoms, stepdads, stepdaughters, stepsons and stepfamilies out there than there are stars in the sky – in fact stepfamilies outnumber biological families in the States – and how to talk about these roles – that of stepmom, stepdad, stepdaughter, stepson, remains a conundrum for so very many people. And the best way that I’ve found to “talk” about it is to “write” about it, and while there are always going to be negatively portrayed stepparent/stepchild relationships – because they are real for some families – there is also the other side of the coin, the lovely, sweet, eager-to-get-to-know-you side, which I’ve written about in Climbing the Steps: Conversations with My Stepson about Life, Love and Loss.
I love hearing from stepparents and stepchildren alike, so if you are inclined to share a story of your own, I welcome and look forward to that. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read the below excerpt… Giselle
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Conversations with My Stepson About Life, Love and Loss, by Giselle Minoli
“Do you want to come to Pennsylvania this weekend and meet my son?” came the question.
“Absolutely!” went my answer.
The son in question was the 17-year-old youngest child of the man I’d recently started seeing. A man I’d known many years before in what felt like a previous incarnation, one in which I myself had been 17 years old. But as women well know, a 17-year-old girl is nothing like a 17-year-old boy, and no sooner had the word “absolutely” slipped past my lips than I was swimming in doubt about meeting the progeny of a man for whom I had a serious thing.
For it had been such a long time since I’d come face-to-face with the ChildBoyMan varietal. Sure, I’d seen plenty of them loose on the streets and subways of New York City. And they regularly appeared in movies, TV shows, commercials, billboards and even the occasional play I attended, so I was fairly certain I could identify one in a lineup if I had to. I had even met women my age who confessed to having given birth to one or two, but the truth was that I myself had hardly had any dealings with such a creature since living in the same house in the aforementioned long-ago incarnation with my older brother when he was 17. (Note: A 17-year-old who is in college is a separate genre entirely from the high school species.)
Our relationship was more like two strange planets orbiting the same Mother Sun than the brother-sister act I thought all families were supposed to have. Our father had died when we were young, and my brother responded to living in a house with a mother and two younger sisters by taking refuge in baseball, basketball, rugby and football, while I preferred dance classes or a solitary horse ride along the Rio Grande River. I rarely saw the mysterious presence known as my older brother during daylight hours; he was prone to slipping into the house late in the day after all the chores had been done, the weight and purpose of a baseball bat far more appealing than the weight and purpose of a broom or a vacuum cleaner. Conversation between us was at an absolute minimum, and I am fairly certain he knew absolutely nothing about me.
Thankfully, by the time my weekend invitation arrived, more than five decades on Planet Earth had taught me that it was irrational to judge a contemporary 17-year-old boy by the memories I had of my own brother. Equally thankfully, the gusto with which my beau had described his son was so disarmingly sweet that it was impossible to say No. So, I set about making a list of things he and I might talk about.
Like sports! His father boasted about what a brilliant golfer his son was, describing how cute he had been at 7 years old trying to swing a driver taller than he was. Only once had I myself picked up a driver, my enthusiasm unfortunately more focused on mangling the grass on the tee box, to anguished winces from my instructor, than on sending the ball smoothly down the fairway.
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#StepMomMagazine #StepParenting #StepMoms #StepSons
March 1, 2012 at 11:15 pm
P E Sharpe at this moment I want to kiss you. 😉
March 1, 2012 at 11:15 pm
I’m in the kissing mood…and you’re next Daniel Enloe. You have both already made my night…and it’s only 6:15pm!
March 2, 2012 at 2:59 am
Giselle Minoli, I’m scratching the rocks, hanging on the cliff waiting for the balance. It is not the end that has my interest; I know the outcome is better than win-win. The journey of your relationship told in your melodious pros is the entree I’m waiting on.
March 2, 2012 at 3:07 am
Hi, jane mizrahi. I wanted to post On Birthdays and Black Nail Polish here, but you can’t attach PDFs (bummer) and so I did not. But I posted it on my website and here’s the link: http://giselleminoli.com/writing/?p=38#more-38
It’s a very different story. I’m fortunate that both of them were willing / agreed to let me write about them knowing the stories were going to be published. My relationship with each of them is different, as they are different ages, I met them at different stages/ages in their lives and there was much change in their Dad’s and my lives through it all. Kevin is the baby.
They are all intelligent, talented, funny, wacky, direct and honest and I’m grateful for that. They call it like it is. So do I. There are no holds barred here. I have a lot yet to learn about myself…and were they not in my life, these lessons I would have missed out on. I’m glad I didn’t… I think I’m probably luckier to have them, but a vote of confidence and support from you is always a lovely thing. Thank you.
March 2, 2012 at 3:34 am
What happened to your Mom, P E Sharpe? And when did your SM die? I’m sorry…
March 2, 2012 at 3:38 am
Daniel Enloe I can’t help but ask what happened to your Mom and how old you were when you were endowed with a Stepmom? It’s lovely to read your words. Awfully glad you decided to become a photog instead of blowing up the world. Much better to be creative, isn’t it???
March 2, 2012 at 4:05 am
Daniel Enloe I cannot count the number of times per day that I am slack-jawed at what I discover people survive. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times…but clearly your mother was/is beyond troubled and so I can only think of your stepmom and as gift in your life and you one in hers.
As for creativity…it keeps me from spending money on a shrink…
March 2, 2012 at 4:12 am
Well then, Daniel Enloe…I wish you were a writer instead of or in addition to being a photographer…because we need more stories from men written about that. There is a huge voice from women in the stepparenting world…but we don’t hear enough from men. Yours turned out to be a positive story, Yes.?
March 2, 2012 at 4:18 am
My father died when I was five and it took me a long time to completely embrace that loss and to realize that one moves on, one moves forward, one compensates, one replaces, one does all sorts of things, but it still has it’s undeniable effect. It is far worse I think for those who pretend it has no effect and doesn’t matter. Those are the people who blow up the world…
March 2, 2012 at 4:23 am
It’s nice to meet you in this light Daniel Enloe. I think you’re a lucky man. There are blessings in this, I think. And certainly…where creativity is concerned, it is the richer for having experienced the full gamut of human emotion. Of that, I am absolutely certain.
March 2, 2012 at 5:28 am
Great preview Giselle Minoli… look forward to the whole article in StepMom
” And for the record…in my own experience biological parent/child relationships are not necessarily covered in fairy dust with everyone strolling hand in hand down the Champs-Elysées whistling Dixie if you know what I mean… ” — that’s because then things can really get blood-y, seems like the civility we reserve for strangers, occasionally do not translate to those closer, ironically.
March 2, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Eddie K… the civility we reserve for strangers… What a great and thought-provoking phrase. I think the considerable mythology surrounding stepparenting oftens leaves this particular person caught smack in the middle of “stranger” and “family.” The stepparents I have known are for the most part incredible people…certainly not “stranger” nor “family” in the traditional sense. Each has to carve out their own place…
March 2, 2012 at 5:45 pm
Eddie K, being civil indiscriminately is one of life’s great challenges. Remaining civil in specific, extreme adverse situations is a weakness I continue to work on. My tendency is to take more liberties with the people I am closest and most comfortable with.
Carving out our place as a stepparent Giselle Minoli is an ongoing process. My stepson, has always been my son, but I have not always been his father. A few years ago, when he was turning 30, I made it very clear this way. “I chose you as my son, love you very much, raised you as if you were my very own flesh and blood, and you will always be my son. It’s up to you to choose me as your father.”
Being a stepparent is not an easy job, but being a stepchild is exceedingly more difficult. A child who has lost a parent through death, suffered the tortures of divorce, or been abandoned, leaves lifelong scars. All I wanted to do for my son was make that go away.
March 2, 2012 at 11:18 pm
It’s so refreshing to read prose by a writer with a high EQ. Thanks for posting these beautiful stories – I shared them with my cousin, a
step mom extraordinaire.
March 3, 2012 at 1:45 am
Ah, linda colman you know how to start a woman’s weekend off right! Thank you for reading, for sharing my stories, and for your kind words. I so appreciate it all. Is your cousin on G+???
March 3, 2012 at 2:42 pm
So very many thanks to Gregory Esau sweet Stacie Florer thoughtful Gary Hart P E Sharpe Eddie K Bill Collins Joseph Gelfer Daniel Enloe Viv Collins Ralf Hoffmann Jolie Blanchard Brown Rumiana Nikolova for +1’in this post, and to linda colman Gary Hart jane mizrahi Daniel Enloe and P E Sharpe for chatting a bit. My own mother was a stepmother (to my father’s daughter by his first marriage) and scores upon scores of friends have been stepparents and stepchildren in their lives. How to fit into and with a nuclear/biological family that came before one is neither easy, automatic or sure fire, but in this day and age, figuring it out is paramount. I appreciate your thoughts, your personal stories, your strengths and vulnerabilities more than you know. Have a lovely weekend everyone.
March 3, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Stacie Florer I think so. It’s slightly controversial for me to take that position in the face of all of the automatic expectations placed on the shoulders of stepparents, but I think it allows for more health, more honestly and more understanding in a situation where very often – Plop! – here’s a new relationship in your life but there have been no time to court one another. I do think in that sense that all relationships, even those here on G+, are courtships of a sort in that it takes time to get to know someone really well, and time takes patience. If we were to give one another time we could make things so much better for one another.
That said…Wow! Stacie to two stepmothers, 1 stepfather and 6 step-siblings. What an interesting life you have had. I’m in awe. 😉
March 3, 2012 at 4:46 pm
In response: I’m working on getting my cousin on G+. She is an articulate communicator who prefers paper and pen. Maybe seeing the quality of exchange available on G+ will give her the incentive to join.
March 3, 2012 at 8:46 pm
linda colman Please convince her to sign up. We need more women here on Google+. The latest percentage I heard was 20%. I don’t believe those figures…but I hear it all the time. I love G+ and have all but abandoned FB for it…the conversation is much more interesting to me here.
March 3, 2012 at 10:27 pm
There is an 80/20 ratio of men to women? I would have never guessed. From my interactions, before hearing this stat, 60/40 women over men was my assumption. There are an abundance of single men looking for the same, which may be throwing the number off. Hmmm.
March 6, 2012 at 12:32 am
You too Siamak Manzarpour and jane mizrahi are nuts. The lovely woman on the cover of StepMom Magazine is the cover girl of the month. They do that every month. I suppose I could have put the first page of the article up. Should I do that? But you know, I don’t think you can change a photo download once you post a post. Isn’t that a bummer?
March 6, 2012 at 12:32 am
Siamak Manzarpour I trust you are talking about the cute picture of me when I was eight that appears at http://www.giselleminoli.com?
Oui?
March 6, 2012 at 1:30 am
You are being naughty Siamak Manzarpour in propogating the myth that attractive ladies steal men away. T’aint true. Even though I know you are kidding.
March 6, 2012 at 1:51 am
Actually the magazine does a great service in that it is a huge support system to stepmothers, who must battle a ridiculous myth, and it does a service to stepchildren on whose behalf most stepmothers I know work tirelessly to help them overcome all that has happened to them. It is a complete myth that stepmothers are more attractive than any other kind of mothers and it’s actually quite harmful in my opinion to buy into that and to ask stepmothers to downplay any part of themselves in order to be more accepted.
That is very often the very battle that most stepmothers face. Most are quite successful, confident, professional and capable and they find themselves often having to downplay themselves in order to be accepted. This does no one any good. Children need role models, not models of women who are self-effacing in order to be liked. That is psychologically damaging to everyone involved.
I’ve never met a stepmother who “stole” anyone from anyone. For what it’s worth.
March 6, 2012 at 11:32 am
Siamak Manzarpour the very mission of StepMom magazine is to provide a professional resource of information to stepmothers (and stepfathers) about every issue they might encounter regarding stepparenting: psychological, emotional, financial, logistical, so they the stepparent is fully aware and fully prepared. Every issue you raised – including the death of a biological parent and inherent difficulties with drug or alcohol abuse – all have their impact on children whose father or mother remarries.
There are so many factors that stepparents have to deal with, loyalty binds being a powerful one, and the more education the better. One of the reasons I started writing a column about the issues stepparents face is that the difficulties in being one are so widespread and there are so many misconceptions and myths attached to the role of a person who is often an unsung helper to their mate.
There are tremendous support systems out there for stepparents, and they are sorely needed.
March 6, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Thank you so much jane mizrahi. The issues are indeed extraordinary. There is no other way to explain a simple day, a simple dinner, a simple conversation being interrupted by something a stepchild or stepadult will say to their stepparent that goes off like a bomb within the space of a second.
Something comes out of left field, out of nowhere, aimed right between the stepparent’s eyes. But these comments, these behaviors do not come out of nowhere. They come from the Land of Divorce and all of the unattended, covered up emotional issues that divorce (and the biological marriage) created. All of these issues are dragged into the life with the new stepmother or stepfather, who more often than not never expected to be the stage upon which all of this is acted out.
StepMom Magazine puts it all out there is a helpful, constructive, enlightening and encouraging way. But it isn’t the only resource. There are many, many of them.
March 6, 2012 at 12:50 pm
One of the other writers in the field of stepparenting with whom people should be familiar is Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. She wrote a book called Stepmonster, which addresses the mythology swirling around this role. There is an excellent interview with her in the March issue that I would recommend anyone read.
Wednesday is a powerfully informed and articulate writer and voice in this world. She is a stepparent and a biological mother, so she speaks from both sides of the issue.
March 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Thank you very much Siamak Manzarpour. That is an incredible act of support. I’m grateful beyond words.
March 6, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Sia, Giselle Minoli and I met after I read a post she wrote about stepfathers. “StepDad” would be an excellent addition to parenting resources as fathering is extremely different from being a mother. Us dads are not as open to speak and share about the trials challenges we face and we can all use help. If I only knew then what I know now. Right?
My wife and steppson did not want to be in the situation forced upon them in 1981. Back then, divorce carried a stigma. Choosing to marry a divorced woman and raising another man’s son was a difficult decision. It was an enormous undertaking, bigger than I anticipated.
I once joked, “I knew you came with baggage, but I didn’t know what was packed inside.” We laughed, because that’s who we are. Getting help for me, my wife, and our son was exceedingly difficult back then. We were in the dark facing unstudied, unwritten about, taboo issues. We fended for ourselves and raised an incredible family. Had their been the knowledge we have today, the ride would have been less bumpy.
Raising children is a big job. Raising someone else’s child, orphaned abandoned in some form or another is difficult to define with a few adjectives and adverbs. Dads need a helping hand too. It doesn’t make us less of a man to admit that we could use some help or accept someone’s help. My father was a verbally abusive guy, but I was blessed to have my father-in-law as a mentor in my corner. A mentor in a periodical would be an excellent resource.